| 1 |
1 |
 |
Kevin Harvick |
Kevin Harvick, for crimes committed against Jeff Gordon, you are hereby sentenced to two weeks hard labor. Which means you must practice and qualify the No. 14 Dodge at Michigan and Bristol. |
| 2 |
2 |
 |
Matt Kenseth |
Inquiring minds want to know: What is Smirn Office? And why do they have enough cash to sponsor a car? |
| 3 |
3 |
 |
Jeff Gordon |
If getting spun out twice wasn’t painful enough, it was the fact that Jimmy Spencer technically beat him on a road course. |
| 4 |
4 |
 |
Ryan Newman |
Some rescue worker actually asked him if he had shut the power off after his practice crash. Then he asked for an autograph. |
| 5 |
6 |
 |
Dale Earnhardt Jr. |
He said last weekend that he’s a free agent. DEI might want to trade him before he bolts to another team. They can probably get Dave Blaney, Johnny Benson and a driver to be named later. |
| 6 |
4 |
 |
Jimmie Johnson |
He’s been in the top 10 in the standings since last spring. Or since Mark Martin won a race. |
| 7 |
7 |
 |
Kurt Busch |
Kids went back to school this week. Not sure if someone else will have to qualify the No. 97 Ford at Michigan. |
| 8 |
10 |
 |
Robby Gordon |
He leads all Gordons in Winston Cup victories this season. All those signs on I-77 must be accurate. The end is near. Get ready. |
| 9 |
8 |
 |
Tony Stewart |
Tony was actually seen talking with Kenny Wallace. Let the vicious Tony-to-Bill Davis Racing rumors begin. |
| 10 |
9 |
 |
Michael Waltrip |
Only 14 more races until it’s speech time, folks! |
| 11 |
11 |
 |
Bobby Labonte |
I’d like to report a missing person. Yes officer, it’s been 48 hours. 35ish. Black hair, but turning gray. Loves sunglasses. Could possibly be seen rubbing Coca-Cola on his face. |
| 12 |
15 |
 |
Mark Martin |
Liberia has a new President. President Blah. No lie. And he’s not even Mark Martin. |
| 13 |
12 |
 |
Jeff Burton |
His gearshift got stuck at Watkins Glen. Left his blinker on, too. |
| 14 |
14 |
 |
Rusty Wallace |
We’ll bet ya $50 that the TV folks can’t zoom in on his car without mentioning the streak. Come on, take it. We’ll give you 50-1 odds. Come on. Take it. Shoot. |
| 15 |
13 |
 |
Terry Labonte |
He’s had 16 straight top-25 finishes! Him and Matt Kenseth both! What a day at the Smirn Office! |
| 16 |
22 |
 |
Dale Jarrett |
With that top-10 finish at Watkins Glen, his crew chief took the lead in top-10 finishes for all of Dale Jarrett’s crew chiefs in 2003. |
| 17 |
16 |
 |
Jamie McMurray |
Well, kid, you got both of the road courses out of the way, and you did really well. Jimmy Spencer didn’t have to run into you once. |
| 18 |
17 |
 |
Sterling Marlin |
You done went and blowed up! |
| 19 |
18 |
 |
Bill Elliott |
He ain’t blowed up since that there race at Texas. |
| 20 |
20 |
 |
Greg Biffle |
He said he felt bad about spinning out Jeff Gordon, so he consoled himself by leading the next 23 laps. |
| 21 |
19 |
 |
Jeremy Mayfield |
To quote Dalton in Road House: “There’s always barber college.” If you haven’t seen Road House, watch TBS. And it doesn’t matter when. It’ll be on. |
| 22 |
NR |
 |
Joe Nemechek |
Your sponsor might be out of here. Time to mash the gas. It’s gut-Chek time. |
| 23 |
25 |
 |
Ward Burton |
Wow. A sixth-place run on a road course for Ward. He’s driving like a man looking for a job. |
| 24 |
21 |
 |
Jimmy Spencer |
He said, “But when I think of drivers who race at Bristol and Richmond and Daytona, I think of meat and potatoes.” In his mind, that also applies to the other 20 tracks. |
| 25 |
23 |
 |
Elliott Sadler |
All that hair gel he's wearing these days adds a lot of weight to the car. If he shaves his head on Thursday, he'll win the Bud Pole on Friday. |
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