@nascarcasm: A guide to defeating Kyle Larson
By @nascarcasm | Friday, June 18, 2021
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We know – Kyle Larson seems unbeatable right now. But that’s a defeatist attitude. You’re not looking close enough. There are several ways to defeat Kyle Larson and we’re going to tell you what they are.
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You achieve this one of two ways. Either 1.) Spend countless man hours engineering a way to squeeze more horsepower out of your engine, or 2.) Remove the engine from the No. 5 car so that it has to be pushed the entire race.
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Kyle Larson had a miserable day at the Bristol Dirt Race. Got caught up in a wreck and finished 29.0. That means his average finish in Cup cars on dirt is 29th. The takeaway here is that Kyle Larson must really not be good on dirt. Therefore, ask for more races on the surface with which Kyle Larson apparently has difficulty. Yep, not good on dirt whatsoever, this guy.
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Kyle Larson runs 12,744 races per calendar year (estimate). Keeping track of that schedule requires great attention to detail. That’s why when he’s running at four short tracks during the week and the Cup Series on the weekend, you just keep sliding an occasional “… when you run Williams Grove on Sunday” into the conversation. Subliminally, it will seep into his subconscious, and when you all are at Kansas, he’s at Williams Grove. His not being there will make him much easier to defeat.
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You remember the one – it was on has car at Circuit of The Americas. It was really flappy, sort of like the iRacing flag man’s arm. No way that doesn’t distract him.
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Shake his confidence by QTing it with text like “HOW CAN YOU BE SO CONFIDENT YOU’LL WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP IF YOU WERE SO, SO WRONG ABOUT TAYLOR, HUH? 37 MILLION ALBUMS SOLD.” It might work, I dunno.
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We all remember Kyle Larson’s awesome wife Katelyn and her equally awesome shotgunning-a-beer victory celebration. Well, if she has to do this every time Kyle wins a race, she might get tired of having to shotgun a beer every Sunday. That takes a physical toll. Kyle might then feel guilty, and not win as much, for her sake. The risk is that she might fix this issue by shotgunning LaCroix instead, in which case this whole plan falls apart.
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Beating Kyle Larson on speed alone will be nearly impossible, so you may have to beat him on pit road with a differing strategy on pit road. If he pits for four tires, you pit for two. If he pits for two tires, you pit for four. If he pits for fuel, do not put fuel in your car. If he asks for a drink, reject all forms of hydration. If they remove a tear-off, demand they leave yours on, racing grime and cicada guts and all. Remember, you’re desperate here.
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Everyone forgets about Kyle’s bizarre breakfast phobia. Use it to your benefit. At night, surround his motorcoach with stacks and stacks of pancakes which he will be unable to pass. Throw French Toast at him during driver intros. Spell “FEAR” with sausage links in his pit box before the race. MIND GAMES.
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This doesn’t mean “Stay up top the whole race, taking away his preferred line.” This means literally removing the top groove. Paint a double-yellow line 10 feet off the wall. Bribe a track worker to push the outside wall in 10 feet under cover of night. Tell him it’s an HOV-only lane. Cover it with golden brown waffles (See previous slide).