@nascarcasm: Drivers as superheroes
By @nascarcasm | Friday, September 25, 2020
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Happy National Comic Book Day! Sept. 25 marks National Comic Book Day. We know our drivers are superheroes behind the wheel … but what if they were ACTUAL superheroes? They'd need a persona. And @nascarcasm has you covered.
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The crime-ridden streets of Porkington are patrolled by one man -- a vigilante known to law enforcement and criminals alike as MeatLash. Draped in a dark cloak and armed with one massive piece of bacon, he stops criminals in their tracks, whipping them brutally with his tasty weapon. Once his work is done, he vanishes into the night, leaving no trace. Not even a trail of bacon grease.
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Do not dare cross Ryan Blaney. He will transform into the omnipotent CougarBait -- he who will use his mystical powers … and his face … to hypnotize then unleash his vast cougar army upon the internet. Moms worldwide will post brutal, scathing vitriol on Twitter from which you will never recover.
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His power lies in his ability to not remember anything. His attention span is shorter than the flash of a lightning bolt. He will never, ever stop flying all over planet Earth and stopping evil-doers in their tracks … because he forgot he already stopped them. Some superheroes say, "Up, up and away!" Others, "Truth, justice and the American way." But for the Forgetter: "Wait … hold up … what'd I come here for?"
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By day, he's Matt DiBenedetto. But when trouble strikes and justice needs to be served, he becomes … THE NUDE. He opens his shirt up to reveal … nothing. He doesn't have any superpowers. He’s really just looking to show up where a lot of people are and show off his torso.
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Wherever justice is needed, the Masked Menace swoops in and saves the day. A true vigilante crime-fighter, he keeps his real identity hidden. As he leaves, those he saved yell, "THANK YOU DENNY HA … I MEAN, MASKED MENACE …" and he flies away, wondering why EVERYONE seems to know who is behind the mask.
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Wherever there is trouble, The Bakersfield Bashing Cactus King Mr. Where Did He Come From Happy Closer will be there. He'll do something heroic, earn another nickname and tack it on to the end of his existing one.
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Armed with his trusty bread shield, the Squint Warrior fights for justice via his special superpower -- when he squints, laser beams shoot from his eyes immediately vanquishing his adversary. He doesn't really fight all that much crime though -- his wife wears the superhero outfit in his family.
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By day, he's a mild-mannered dad. But once he enters the race car, Ryan Newman transforms into he who his adversaries fear the most -- THE BARRICADE. With outstretched arms, The Barricade creates an impermeable force field, and no one despite newer tires or better forward grip can get past him. FOR HE IS THE BARRICADE.