@nascarcasm: Let’s draft a NASCAR team

A simple, 10-round draft in which we pick which drivers we would want on our own NASCAR race team.

The NFL Draft kicks off this evening, and in honor of this annual ritual, we are holding our own NASCAR version of the event. I will select 10 drivers based on my own, personal criteria. Most importantly, scouting reports will be provided. Feel free to join in. And without further ado, the picks are in.

SCOUTING REPORT: “Ambitious, resolute, and groundbreaking driver. One historic win to his name in 2021 and has been in the position to earn three more in 2022. Superspeedway prowess is among the best in the Cup Series. And he can get me free McDonald’s DoorDashed to my house, where I’ll be lounging in my free Columbia gear listening to music on my free Beats by Dre headphones while sipping my free Dr. Pepper. I’m a red-blooded American who wants to leech off Bubba’s amazing lineup of sponsors – sue me.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Has incredible ability to find his way up front, likely from years of having to sit in the front row in school because he couldn’t see over anyone’s heads. Incredible sportsmanship and class. Multiple wins are on the horizon. Just hope he hasn’t left because he thought the draft was already over.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Kyle is a future Hall of Famer and a true wheelman. Credentials and skills are unquestionable. However, we need honest feedback during the race. He spares our feelings too much. When we ask how the car is handling, he needs to not say his usual, ‘What’s important is that you tried very, very hard and I appreciate your hard work. I don’t want to say anything unkind or untoward.’ We feel we can reach this goal.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Has arguably made the most progress out of any driver in NASCAR. Won an Xfinity Series championship and a Daytona 500. Plus, we really need a center for our intramural basketball league and someone in the shop who can change fluorescent light bulbs without a stepladder.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Still awaiting first win, but compensates with an intangible quirkiness that’s hard to put into words. Drives like a seasoned veteran but looks like a teenager who stocks shelves at Whole Foods Market.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Poise and determination when the championship is on the line. Small in stature, and his lack of size helps the race car go much faster. And that’s not the only area in which he is a notable lightweight.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Won about 49 Cup Series races in 2021, which is amazing considering there are only 36 on the schedule. Wide variety of interests and skills, which include racing, racing and also racing. Good lateral movement, which allows him to throw effective outside blocks, sometimes into people who aren’t a teammate.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Young, but possesses the driving abilities of someone twice his age (so, like, 26). Seven wins already in Xfinity Series career, with graduation to the next level likely (word is he knows someone with a Cup Series team). Will provide our team with a great chance of winning each weekend, and a designated driver to and from the celebration when we do (for a couple more years at least). Can’t wait to discuss his potential with him once he removes his helmet.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “Sneaky-good performer who improves every year. Great situational on-track awareness that will help the team back into long-term success. Mental aptitude second to none. Like a good running back, hits glance off him and somehow turn into T-shirt sales.”

SCOUTING REPORT: “High-motor downfield runner not afraid to take hits nor give them (ask AJ Allmendinger). Aggressive approach strikes fear in other competitors, who see him coming and just get out of his way (see Talladega). Great teeth. Ability to eat watermelon off grime-covered race track without visible digestive illness suggests an immune system that could outlast the snap of Thanos.”