@nascarcasm: Semi-retirement ideas for Jimmie Johnson

NASCAR’s latest seven-time champion is officially retiring from full-time racing. What's he gonna do
with his time now? We have ideas.

After an illustrious career in NASCAR and a brief stint in the IndyCar Series, Jimmie Johnson
announced this week that he was retiring from full-time racing. This means he’ll have way
more free time. And we’re here to suggest what he should do with it.

The first and obvious choice. Jimmie said he’d be doing “bucket-list” events and running the
Indy 500 and the Coca-Cola 600 on the same day should be on there. He’s certainly in good
enough shape to run both. Actually he’s in good enough shape to bike from Indianapolis to
Charlotte in time for green flag. This is Jimmie, Alpha Male.

This makes too much sense. It’s Hendrick Motorsports that will be entering the modified Chevrolet Camaro ZL1 into the race, so you have to figure Jimmie’s on the short list to run it during the prestigious 24 Hours of Le Mans. Plus, he’d be able to pull off wearing a beret, I think. I mean, picture Dale Earnhardt Jr. in a beret. Doesn’t work. Jimmie? IT WORKS. Jimmie’s a beret guy.

Dale seems to enjoy his one-off Xfinity Series races, and Jimmie would too. Not to mention his Xfinity résumé is somewhat lacking — one win in 93 races. Perhaps he could win a few more, prove his mettle, and then who knows — he might finally land a ride in the Cup Series. Curious to see how he’d do there. The previous two sentences are sarcasm, readers.

Yes, there is in fact a way that he is still eligible to do this. It’s called
the “I’m Jimmie Johnson” Provisional. Look it up.

If you follow Jimmie’s travels on social media, you know there’s nothing he loves more than traveling the world with his wonderful family. He’s like Carmen Sandiego. He’s already done quite a bit, but now he’ll be able to do so much more. It’s good too, as the kids were getting visibly bored with only visiting Victory Lane for so long.

He’s a cycling enthusiast, so seeing him in the fabled French bicycle race is plausible. He has
experience with stage racing, so going from a race with three stages to a race with 21 stages
should come easy.

Jimmie hasn’t been able to spend much time at the Homestead-Miami Speedway infield tunnel
that bears his name. Now he’ll have time for nice, long tunnel hangs. He has even mentioned
plans to upgrade it, such as installing a toll booth. As a retiree, he needs supplemental income.
His tunnel, his rules.

Semi-retired Jimmie open the door to a whole new line of merchandise potential. First order of
business? Updating the “I’m Far From Done JA” shirt. (PROPOSAL ATTACHED)

When you’re a busy as Jimmie is, there is little time for watching movies. But now he can binge-watch all the films that he mis-identified on the in-car audio. No, it’s not from “Talladega Nights,” Jimmie.

Again, something he has experience with.