@nascarcasm: The paint scheme everyone will like
By @nascarcasm | Thursday, April 15, 2021
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Paint schemes have long divided race fans. What one finds aesthetically pleasing, another finds repulsive. Can there be a paint scheme that can please everyone? The answer is yes.
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Using research, data, anecdotal evidence and pure intuition, I have created the first-ever NASCAR paint scheme that every single person will like. Sound impossible, disbeliever? Prepare to be amazed. Without further ado, I unveil …
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… THE PAINT SCHEME THAT EVERYONE WILL LIKE.
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“What is this abomination?” you’re asking. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Once we zoom in on the finer details, you’ll see why everyone will like this paint scheme. It’s because it includes only things people like. Let’s begin.
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First, the grille. It is split into thirds. One third of the grille is an image of someone eating raw cookie dough, while the other two thirds feature an image of someone waking up, looking at their phone, and realizing that they can fall back asleep for a few more hours.
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On the hood, we wanted to combine three things that every loves. That’s why it features a money background, while in the foreground, we have an image of actor Paul Rudd’s face atop a pizza. Everyone likes Paul Rudd, pizza and money. Money is great, pizza is delicious, and Paul Rudd brings a lovable everyman presence to every film.
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We implemented a similar visual strategy on the roof. Here, we have an image of all-around awesome human being Dolly Parton, flanked on either side by baby otters. Above her head are mirror images of adorable baby monkeys eating Reddi-Whip straight out of the can. Again, everyone likes all three of these things.
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For the rear deck-lid, an area that doesn’t receive a great deal of airtime, we wanted to keep it simple. Rather than cluttering with multiple images, we included just one. It’s of someone plugging in a USB cord properly on the first attempt. Everyone loves that.
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The TV panel is very important. That’s why they call it the TV panel, instead of the not-on-TV panel. Here we have an image of an empty middle seat on an airplane stretched across the entire panel, with a smaller image of a delicious in-progress shower beer down below.
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The right side of the car features imagery carefully selected for the A, B and C-posts. The A-post features the amazing and incomparable Beyoncé. The B-Post features the logo for Sheetz, the popular convenience store/coffee shop (Don’t worry Wawa fans – we’ll get to you in the next slide.) The C-post features someone looking up their ex’s name on Facebook, finding out they aren’t doing well at all, and enjoying that.
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The posts on the driver’s side received a similar treatment. Here, we have Tom Hanks on the A-post, the logo for Wawa on the B- post and an image of a parent finally dropping their kids off at school in-person. The Wawa and Sheetz logos are presented at similar size on the same post so that the fiercely loyal customers of each can be satisfied. It’s a heated battle, and we seek a peaceful resolution.
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Beneath the driver’s side door, we have everyone’s favorite decal – flames. Flames are cool no matter what. We made them even cooler though, by placing them over an image of an Uber that doesn’t stink with a driver that doesn’t talk to you – one of life’s greatest joys.
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Further down, we complete the driver’s side with McDonald’s French fries over the wheel, and not just any French fries – we’re talking the piping hot French fries right out of the vat. The French fries that make you feel like you hit a small lottery. Also, a dog in a Halloween costume.
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On the passenger side, it’s a similar approach but a different design. For balance, we include the awesome flames atop a mouth-watering plate of delicious tacos.
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The passenger side is then filled out with images of putting on a sweater that is right out of the dryer, and canceling plans in order to just stay home and watch Netflix.
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I would like to thank you for looking at this paint scheme. I am glad you like it. You have to like it, because everyone likes all of these things. The paint-scheme debate can get vitriolic, and I feel as if I have bridged a great divide and brought people together. Diecasts available soon.