@nascarcasm: The scariest paint scheme of all time
By @nascarcasm | Wednesday, October 27, 2021
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Halloween is the perfect time to unleash what is, without any semblance of a doubt, the most terrifying, blood-curdling, ghastly paint scheme of all time. Prepare to be frightened with design!
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Warning: What you’re about to see is scary. Very scary. Children should be supervised. If you have a heart condition, you should shut down the computer immediately. Because here comes …
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… THE SCARIEST PAINT SCHEME OF ALL TIME (SCREAMS, GASPS, GHOSTLY WAILS). “But wait,” you wonder, “I don’t see any zombies, or monsters, or vampires.” SILLY MORTAL. We cast aside the overused Halloween clichés here, and only invoke imagery of true terror. Let us take you through it in detail. BEWARE.
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On the hood, we place three of the most terrifying things a human being can experience. The first is a clown. Clowns are from hell, unsettling in any circumstance. Next up is a giant spider crawling out of the drain when you’re in the shower. The third, closest to the windshield, is checking your student loan balance online after 10 years of payments and realizing you aren’t even paying off the principle yet. SPOOKY.
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The roof is home to two very, very scary frights – tall, miles-long bridges that go over water, and Kevin Harvick when he’s mad. CHILLS RUN DOWN YOUR SPINE.
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On the rear deck lid, we asked for a suggestion from Denny Hamlin. Thanks, Denny.
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On to the rear quarterpanel of the car’s right side. ALL SORTS of terror here. Who doesn’t shudder with fright upon seeing Kyle Busch in a grape-smuggler, shaking it like a Polaroid picture? Next to him, above the wheel well, another well-known moment of terror – accidentally replying all to the company wide e-mail. DREAD.
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What terror lurks on the C-post? That would be a still image from the hellish scene in “Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory” when they’re going through the tunnel on the boat. I don’t need to describe it. All you need to know is that it ruined the childhoods of every kid whose parents went to the video store and thought “OH, a kid’s movie, this’ll keep them occupied for a couple hours.”
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Under the door. SHEER FRIGHT. First, a room full of dolls, which is the worst thing ever. Dolls are terrifying and should be wiped off the face of the Earth. Those lifeless, blank stares – and you know they come to life at night. Next to that is something even MORE terrifying – scrolling through someone’s Instagram feed and accidentally liking a post from, like, three years ago. Above the right front wheel? Getting stuck in a car wash. You sit there motionless as those giant brushes violently thwap your car, with no escape in sight. TERROR.
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Now on to the harrowing driver’s side. Above the wheel, fresh cut grass. But wait…that’s scary? Yes – it is when you realize that the lovely smell of fresh cut grass is actually the grass releasing chemicals because it is injured. That’s right, YOUR LAWN IS SCREAMING IN PAIN. Next to this, quite possibly the most fear-inducing activity a human being can partake in – checking your symptoms on WebMD when you’re sick. WebMD never tells you “It’s probably nothing, don’t worry, have some tea and echinacea.” It always tells you “Possible causes: IMMINENT DEATH.”
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IT’S BACK. Denny’s terrifying mask with his own face is here to send quivers of fear through your body. What’s scarier than that? Two things. First, realizing that your cell phone actually carries 18 times more bacteria than a toilet seat. You heard that right. You’re filming TikToks with a PETRI DISH OF DISEASE. Next to that, that moment when you’re alone in your house and your dog stares intently at absolutely nothing, and you start thinking it sees a ghost or something, visible only to dogs. TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE, DOG. TELL ME.
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On the C-post? This is an eyelash mite. It’s a microscopic arachnid that lives in your eyelashes. This is not a lie. Sleep well tonight.
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Finally on the rear panel, probably the most terrifying sight of all – Ward Burton waving a random eight-foot snake he just snagged off the ground in front of the camera. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell us “It’s hahmluss,” Ward – it looks like you’re trying to scare a confession out of someone and you know what? It would probably work, TBH. FEAR.