NASCAR mad libs: 2017 preseason edition

I’m so excited for the 2017 NASCAR season! The off-season makes me so --grumpyfrustratedboredanxious . I’ve had to spend every single day --tweeting Denny Hamlin the number of days until Daytonawhittling Derrike Cope action figureswatching old NASCAR races on YouTubewriting Greg Biffle fan fiction while I --wrap my street car to match Jimmie Johnson’s carstock my refrigerator with Monster Energysob uncontrollablysing holiday songs in Larry McReynolds’ accent . Bring back the --restartsBig Onetwo-hour pre-race showsuncontrolled tires and --race carsKyle Busch Cautionsu2122Throwback weekend paint schemesspilling tacos on race cars !

--Monster EnergyErik JonesGray GauldingTy Dillon has joined the Cup Series, which makes me feel --excitedoldnervousthirsty . Things sure are changing, especially since you never see --shirtless fans with a ‘3’ shaved into their back hairthe Labonte brothersJohnny Sauter singing patriotic tunesSterling Marlin anymore. I haven’t seen --a fuel mileage raceGreg Bifflea start and park carpeople trying to start ‘the wave’ in the grandstands for as long as I can remember.

I’m definitely planning to go to --all 36 racesthe Fanatics tentthe infield at Talladegathe local Applebee’s every single weekend next season. Maybe I’ll pick up --a foam finger for the David Ragan fan in my lifeTony Stewart’s race-used fire suit from Watkins Glenan authentic Austin Dillon cowboy hatseven of my favorite drivers' t-shirts for every day of the week , and --a family pack of Martinsville hot dogsan Air Titana chartera Ryan Blaney tattoo for my --fun uncledear motherSharonaneighbor’s dog . It seems like everybody at the track these days is such a --Dale Jr. fanproud Americanvegan like Landon Cassillmillennial ! You’re not --a true NASCAR fanwelcome in Junior Nationlivinghaving a good time unless you --own a Kyle Larson bobbleheadhave a Denny Hamlin neck tattooknow Dale Jr.’s average finish in 2004ask Mike Helton if you can touch his mustache .

Most of all, I can’t wait for the --Chasereturn of Joey Gase2017 Dale of the Month calendarClash at Daytona . I hope this year’s champion is --Jimmie Johnsonnot Jimmie JohnsonDale Earnhardt Jr.the fans — especially after last year, when --Dale Jr. missed a bunch of racesJimmie Johnson tied Earnhardt and PettyDanica Patrick signed my fig bar that I later ateBrian Scott tearfully said goodbye and my heart hurts . I suppose I have no choice but to spend the rest of the off-season the same way I spend it every year, --complaining about everything imaginable on Facebookworking on my steamy Joey Logano fan fictionbrainwashing my niece and nephew into rooting for my favorite driverbump-drafting on the highwaycalling into radio shows complaining about that driver I hateflaring the fenders on my minivanwatching pay-per-view wrestling between Spencer Gallagher and John Wes Townleycreating my own car graveyard, just like Dale Jr.trying to acclimate myself to banana-and-mayonnaise sandwichescoming up with a new nickname for Kevin Harvickresearching scientific journals on evidence of The Vortex Theorytrying to re-create the secret Martinsville hot dog recipegoing four-wide on the interstate .