So now this is a story all ’bout how / my life got flipped turned upside down / and I’d like to take a moment to run off with a pair / of my owner Dale Jr.’s Nomex underwear.
Excited to write. Been a while since the previous blog, and would like to apologize to all y’all takin’ this cray journey on the Gus Bus with me. It’s been busy since the last blog, what with Dale in the throes of his final season and me collecting an impressive horde of beef-stick wrappers under the bed in the Elvis room.
Nothing but beef-stick wrappers. That sweet aroma. I dunno why Yankee Candle hasn’t made that scent yet.
Digressing. As you all know, my owner’s farewell season is about as uplifting as “Old Yeller,” and I’m a dog so I can say that — it’s cool. Simply not getting the results he, I, or anyone in Junior Nation wanted right now. But sometimes life brings disappointment. Like when Amy and Dale are eating dinner and I’m laying low waiting for the scraps, and they say “HERE BOY!” and then hand me one of those “organic” dog treats that tastes like yard clippings and sawdust congealed into a single ghastly wad with tiling grout. I’m like I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU’RE EATING SLOW-SMOKED BRISKET AND YOU HAND ME A BALL OF HIPPIE FECULENCE THAT NOT EVEN GWYNETH PALTROW WOULD EAT. TRY AGAIN.
Nearly forgot to tell you — I asked Dale if I could have my own podcast on Dirty Mo Radio this past week, and he said he’d think about it, so I put together a sample. I called it “Dis-Gus-sions,” which is a savvy pun you wouldn’t expect out of a creature that thinks a vacuum cleaner is trying to kill him, but I digress. Recorded the first episode with Joey Logano’s dog, Luigi. Basically I asked him a series of “Gotcha” questions hoping he’d finally admit he’s a bat-dog. I mean, look at him. That’s a bat. I have a good bat-dar. The questions were like “Is Sliced Bread as good as fruit?” and “Do you feel like Joey Logano was sort of thrown into his role at Joe Gibbs Racing without proper preparation sort of like Ben Affleck was when he replaced Christian Bale?” I think it came out great, so long as you don’t mind 46 minutes of ceaseless barking. It’s gonna turn the podcast community upside-down. Which is how I assume Logano’s dog sleeps.
Update on my social life — remember Martin Truex Jr. AKA the guy whose motorcoach I stocked with brown trout that one time? He’s apparently doing really really well and I’m really happy for him. I’ve started hanging out with their dog, Boden. He’s a good listener and his butt smells great. We both Snapchat ourselves in sexy poses and send them to Danica’s German shepherd. She got it going on.
Dale’s gonna be replaced by Alex Bowman, whom as I mentioned in my previous blog, is a wonderful kid who took me on walks whenever Dale forced him to. He’s got this insatiable competitive drive in him that I haven’t seen in anyone since Air Bud. He’s got big shoes to fill. Speaking of filling Dale’s shoes, gimme a second – that organic dog treat ain’t sitting right and I’ve got a message to convey. OK, I’m back and Dale’s down a pair of Asics.
Excited for my owner to be on the TV next year! He’ll be on NBC, WHICH just so happens to air the National Dog Show, so I’m fairly certain they’ll send the private jet out for myself and Boden to show up and throw down. We got it planned — after a few beers, we’re both gonna run out on the floor and stand on our hind legs wearing only a ribbon reading “BEST IN SHOW” over our naughty bits. “NASCAR SUPERSTAR’S DOG BECOMES VIRAL SENSATION ON YOUTUBE” — I can see it now. Anyways, he’s gonna be really good on TV, and I can’t wait to bark at the tube when it’s on and wonder “Hey, why is my owner in such wonderful definition on this 72-inch box hanging on the wall?” like all dogs that bark at TVs do.
So that’s about all I got for now. Oh, nearly forgot — Danica’s German shepherd, if you’re reading this, check the first letter of every paragraph. Peace.
Gus