| 1 |
1 |
 |
Jimmie Johnson |
He still leads the Rankings because he’s scored a top-10 in each race since George Bush’s first term. We did want to see him win yesterday though, mainly so his blonde wife could compete with Tiger Woods’ blonde wife for face time on SportsCenter. |
| 2 |
5 |
 |
Jeff Gordon |
He’s never won at Texas. In 1999, Gordon nailed the wall at Texas and busted his ribs, and that was probably the hardest hit he’s had in his career. With two races a year, his losing streak at Texas will end soon. |
| 3 |
8 |
 |
Mark Martin |
We demand a Mark Martin victory at Texas. Clamoring for it. Because the victory lane cowboy hat is bigger than he is. |
| 4 |
4 |
 |
Elliott Sadler |
Elliott Sadler was crushed when he learned that the Martinsville hot dogs were being served without the traditional chili and onions. He was so sad that he qualified 25th. Actually, we take that back. 25th was his third-best starting spot ever at Martinsville, so he ran better without all that chili in his stomach. |
| 5 |
2 |
 |
Greg Biffle |
He ran the Jackson-Hewitt paint scheme at Martinsville, and you know at least one idiot spotted the car and said, “That’s right! I have got to do my taxes!” |
| 6 |
9 |
 |
Kasey Kahne |
We got a lot of email after we ranked Kasey Kahne higher than Rusty Wallace for Martinsville. We know what we’re talking about! Who do you think writes these? Teen-age girls? |
| 7 |
3 |
 |
Kevin Harvick |
After Richard Childress Racing’s clutch problems in recent weeks, it might be time for the team to explore the beauty of automatic transmissions. |
| 8 |
6 |
 |
Tony Stewart |
We think Darrell Waltrip knows better than to make a crack about Tony Stewart’s wheel falling off, because he knows Tony will get him back later with a crack about Waltrip needing a bunch of champion’s provisionals to make the show. |
| 9 |
11 |
 |
Ryan Newman |
He sat on the ground for his post-race interview, mainly so Rusty wouldn’t see him. |
| 10 |
14 |
 |
Rusty Wallace |
His helmet cooler didn’t work all day, and it got pretty hot at Martinsville. Which pretty much reiterates that the retirement thing was a good idea. |
| 11 |
15 |
 |
Dale Earnhardt Jr. |
He says he will tell his grandkids all about his first win at Texas. Junior, you're 30 with no kids, so you best hurry. |
| 12 |
17 |
 |
Sterling Marlin |
He said he is 99.9 percent certain that he won’t return to Ganassi. You can almost hear Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber saying, “So you're telling me there's a chance?!” |
| 13 |
7 |
 |
Carl Edwards |
This is certainly not your daddy’s NASCAR. Some drivers used to smoke cigarettes during cautions. Carl attaches Crest White Strips. |
| 14 |
10 |
 |
Kurt Busch |
He found just how aggressive Jeff Gordon can be. Although we’re thinking this is a byproduct of Roush Racing’s method of rotating sponsors. Gordon certainly couldn’t have known that Kurt would have been in a purple car. Gordon probably thought he was Mike Garvey. |
| 15 |
12 |
 |
Scott Riggs |
Congrats on the Bud Pole. But we watched that first lap of the race with one eye open and one closed. When we saw your car wiggle, we had visions of a 30-car wreck. |
| 16 |
16 |
 |
Dale Jarrett |
We’re pretty sure that if Shane Hmiel tried to email Jarrett an apology, Dale probably didn’t get it. Maybe Hmiel should try a text message. |
| 17 |
19 |
 |
Matt Kenseth |
He moved up seven spots in the standings after Martinsville, or one spot for every picture he has of his cat on his official website. |
| 18 |
13 |
 |
Jamie McMurray |
He’s having a very slow start. Maybe he does not get motivated when the announcers pronounce his name right. |
| 19 |
NR |
 |
Bobby Labonte |
He got nipped by Dale Jarrett in FOX’s Sexiest Driver Poll, but Labonte is a pretty classy guy, so he didn’t flip him off. |
| 20 |
24 |
 |
Jeff Burton |
He says he has no animosity towards Jimmie Johnson, and the two were just fine at Martinsville. Mainly because Johnson promised to give Burton a lap back later in the season. |
| 21 |
22 |
 |
Dave Blaney |
Texas pays about $500,000 to win. If Blaney wins, his souvenir sales will bring him about four times that. |
| 22 |
20 |
 |
Kyle Busch |
He was presenting at CMT awards on Monday night. The only other person who would look slightly more out of place is Eminem. |
| 23 |
23 |
 |
Travis Kvapil |
This team will be very tough on the short tracks for the rest of the year, and that may help him beat Kyle Busch in the Rookie of the Year battle. |
| 24 |
NR |
 |
Joe Nemechek |
That was his first top-10 finish of his career at either Bristol or Martinsville, and he's been racing for more than two years. |
| 25 |
18 |
 |
Brian Vickers |
He is still the top-ranked red-headed driver this year. Unless Bill Elliott bumps up his schedule. |
