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Editor's note: The following content is clearly fiction. It is not real. We hope you enjoy nonetheless.
For many fans, an important part of following NASCAR is playing fantasy racing. But with so many different games and strategies, it might be tricky to be successful from the drop of the green flag. Luckily for you, there are some foolproof methods to rack up those pretend victories.
Editor's note: The following content is clearly fiction. It is not real. We hope you enjoy nonetheless.
For many fans, an important part of following NASCAR is playing fantasy racing. But with so many different games and strategies, it might be tricky to be successful from the drop of the green flag. Luckily for you, there are some foolproof methods to rack up those pretend victories.
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If you really want to succeed in fantasy racing, try to pick drivers who are very good. Very good drivers, on average, finish better than drivers who are not very good. Avoid selecting drivers who are still chasing that first career top-20 finish --backmarker drivers, believe it or not, are far less likely to win races than proven champion drivers.
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When you look at the history books, it might tempting to put NASCAR legends like Richard Petty or David Pearson in your fantasy lineup, but resist the urge! These heroes, while successful in NASCAR in the 20th century, won’t earn you many points in modern-day fantasy racing.
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Nobody knows the origin of the rumor that states a car’s number is where the car must finish. It’s simply untrue! You don’t see Jimmie Johnson finishing in 48th place out of 40 cars most weeks. Don’t pick a driver with a low car number just because you’ll believe they’ll finish well.
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It’s the mark of a fantasy racing novice to ask, “Why haven’t all of the drivers on my fantasy team won the race?” Make a mental note that only one driver can cross the finish line first and win the race. If all else fails, remember the rhyme:
At race-end it’s not your demise
If the winner’s just one of your guys.
There’s no need to bawl
If you simply recall:
Just one driver takes home the prize!
At race-end it’s not your demise
If the winner’s just one of your guys.
There’s no need to bawl
If you simply recall:
Just one driver takes home the prize!
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Playful ribbing and taunting can be fun among fantasy players, but there’s a line that’s best left uncrossed. If you find yourself taunting an opponent by breaking their windows, stealing food from their home, or calling their children’s schools saying there’s an emergency -- that their parents are in the hospital for being bad at fantasy racing -- you may have gone too far. Avoid physical altercations and use proper NASCAR-approved safety gear whenever possible. There’s no need to go overboard, unless the circumstances necessitate.
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When a driver on your fantasy lineup isn’t performing the way you’d hoped, sometimes you’ll want to take matters into your own hands. Even if a driver you picked in fantasy racing is about to go a lap down and could use a caution to save your day, it’s best to resist the urge to climb the track’s catch fence or throw objects onto the racing surface in order to manipulate the outcome of the race in your favor. You don’t want an encumbered finish on your hands!
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You’ll fit in at every NASCAR fantasy racing meetup if you use fantasy racing lingo properly.
Bifecta: When you expect three of your drivers to succeed, but only two of your drivers do so.
Corey’d: When a driver you’ve picked goes for a spin or hits the wall, but you sort of expected it to happen.
Johnson Rod: If you’re not sure what happened to your fantasy driver and you’re asked the dreaded question, “What happened to your driver?”, simply say the Johnson Rod expired on the car.
Dinger: The person in your fantasy league who throws a tantrum when things aren’t going great.
Triple Twist: No one actually knows what this word means, but it’s used by every fantasy racing player. Say it regularly so everybody knows you fit in.
Bifecta: When you expect three of your drivers to succeed, but only two of your drivers do so.
Corey’d: When a driver you’ve picked goes for a spin or hits the wall, but you sort of expected it to happen.
Johnson Rod: If you’re not sure what happened to your fantasy driver and you’re asked the dreaded question, “What happened to your driver?”, simply say the Johnson Rod expired on the car.
Dinger: The person in your fantasy league who throws a tantrum when things aren’t going great.
Triple Twist: No one actually knows what this word means, but it’s used by every fantasy racing player. Say it regularly so everybody knows you fit in.
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In NASCAR, all drivers are required to have a spotter, perched high above the track shouting words at their driver and feeling self-important on Twitter. Likewise, since fantasy racing is based on real NASCAR racing, you’re going to need to find yourself a fantasy racing spotter. Your spotter will tell you when there’s a competitor physically near you, and most importantly, to check out their racing podcast on iTunes.
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If your fantasy racing team doesn’t include the driver who ultimately won the race, you might feel it makes the most sense to change your lineup and add the driver who won the race in order to maximize your earnings. Not so fast! Once the race starts, you won’t be able to change your drivers to those who are succeeding on the track-- even though it was a genius strategy to try.
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When you pick a driver who crashes into the pace car or runs over their air hose on pit road, your fantasy team’s going to suffer. Don’t request a do-over, lest you look like a fantasy rookie.
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When the 'Big One' unfolds at Daytona, leaving a driver on your fantasy team to crash, be sure to state, “There goes my fantasy team.” You’ll earn the sympathy of fantasy players and non-players alike who will be eager to comfort you in this trying time.
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Today’s fantasy racing is nothing like the fantasy racing leagues your grandparents played. Paper-based mail-in forms and fantasy fax leagues are OUT! It’s the 21st century -- fire up your Windows® Millennium Edition™-powered P.C. (Personal Computer) and play in cyberspace. You can even play straight from your BlackBerry or PalmPilot PDA.
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Fantasy racing can be a difficult job! That’s why when you succeed, you deserve to celebrate in a big way. You’re entitled to a burnout in your street car or an expensive vacation -- treat yourself for a job well done.