@nascarcasm: Kissing the Bricks at IMS is gross

Today we will make a case as to why you don’t need to do this if you win.

We know, you just won at the famous Indianapolis Motor Speedway and tradition dictates that you bend down and give that famous yard of bricks a big ol’ wet smooch. We’re here to tell you that you don’t have to. Those bricks are coated in all manner of gross things, so don’t give in to the peer pressure if you don’t want to. Save yourself for a cleaner surface. You’re worth it.

A little back story on the Yard of Bricks – they are the sole remnant of the original all-brick surface at Indianapolis Motor Speedway that was laid down in 1909. That means you’re gonna press your own lips up against a surface that has more than 100 years of grime on it. That’s basically like drinking Post Malone’s bathwater. At least bring Clorox wipes, or lay down a piece of protective cellophane first.

The Brickyard 400 is being held in September this year, when temperatures typically begin dipping downward in Indiana. Because of these cooler temperature, you run the risk of your lips getting adhesed to the bricks, much like if you stuck your tongue to a flagpole. The track obviously wants to preserve these bricks, so they won’t be willing to damage them in order to save you because you made a poor decision. No, you’ll have to basically lie there face down, stuck to the bricks, unable to eat or drink, until the thaw in the spring, when you can detach yourself naturally. You’ll miss the NASCAR Playoffs, Christmas, the Super Bowl and the new “Star Wars” movie.

Let’s not forget that it can be dangerous also. We all remember the year that Jamie McMurray bent down to smooch the bricks and unfortunately hit his ample proboscis on the bricks first, resulting in a nosebleed that delayed the whole ceremony for hours while he lay there staring at the sky, clotting.

“But hey, didn’t Paul Menard kiss the bricks once and suffer no ill effects?” you may ask. Yes, but bad example. Paul is an outlier. Paul Menard’s immune system is a super-human firewall that guards against any disease or pathogen. The man could eat a shipwreck and not get tetanus. He doesn’t count.

Really, it’s entirely likely that the entire thing is merely a well-crafted ploy to get a drivers’-butt shot from above. Something that the ladies can use as their iPhone wallpaper. While you’re like “Yay look at me I’m engaging in tradition,” you’re laying this giant cougar thirst trap without even realizing it.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND THE EXAMPLE YOU’RE SETTING. “If Dad’s eating Skittles off of the grime-coated masonry, then hey, I guess it’s cool for me to lick up the Go-Gurt that I just spilled on this ant hill.”

Luckily, there are two methods of abstaining from this tradition. METHOD 1 – Be a cute little kid who doesn’t want to do it. NOTE: Only works if you’re a cute little kid. You can be the one who stands tall while all the other “adults” are licking rubber and oil off the ground. You can then ask who the grown-up is.

METHOD 2 – The hover. Paige Keselowski used this method last year, thinking we wouldn’t notice there’s enough room between her and the track to slide an entire grilled cheese sandwich in there.

So good luck this weekend in the Brickyard 400. May you be the first to cross the famed yards of bricks, and then bravely declare that you will not be kissing them. There are several other things you can do. Climb the fence. Scale the scoring pylon or the pagoda. The world is yours.