@nascarcasm: Retirement gift ideas for Jimmie Johnson

It’s Jimmie’s final full-time year in NASCAR, so you probably need help thinking of that perfect retirement gift. Well, we are here to help. Read on for a few gift ideas we’re sure he’ll appreciate.

The personalized pottery that grows. This is fun for the whole family and pays homage to his especially beardy years when he looked like Wolverine.

This way Jimmie can take it out on the water and when he falls off the top of it, he will land in the water and not hurt himself, shallow reefs notwithstanding.

It's hard keeping track of them, let alone storing them or moving them to a new location. This is an easy and efficient way to do all of those things. (NOTE: GROUP LIFT THAT MAY REQUIRE MATT DIBENEDETTO)

Checking on if he has an aardvark, sorry for the confusion here.

This book authored by the sport's foremost expert on retirement helps drivers navigate their retirement and then their next retirement and then the one after.

This way others can take advantage of Jimmie's only weakness, which is movie quotes. Fun so long as he isn't on your team. Imagine when you give him the quote “My name’s Forrest Gump, people call me Forrest Gump” and he guesses 'JURASSIC PARK.'

From Things Remembered or somewhere like that.

Jimmie has shown interest in ride-sharing services before. This would allow him to earn some retirement income on the side.

Because, y'know, he'll want to return it in a few years when get gets handed another one.