Exclusive (and fake) merchandise from Martinsville Speedway’s first night race

A first look at some of the apparel and souvenirs we submitted that should probably be rejected.

The most frequently asked pre-race question on Twitter – and you all know what question we speak of – has an exciting new answer, and is now emblazoned on a T-shirt for you to purchase! Hopefully if people see the shirt, they’ll stop asking the question.

We all wish we could be there, but we’ll raise a toast to Martinsville Speedway before this momentous occasion, with our frosty cold beverage nestled snugly in one of these drink koozies. That is unless it’s a White Claw. Those cans are too small.

That’s right – special paperclips for the nighttime hours! The moonlight activates each paperclip’s mystical powers, which gives it even stronger paperclipping abilities. What’s that? You’re suggesting that we’re merely trying to empty our supply closet because no one uses paper anymore while turning a profit by defrauding people? NOOOOOOOOO.

Just how luminous are those new LED lights at Martinsville Speedway? Let’s ask NASCAR’s most smiley driver and then put his response on a nice commemorative T-shirt!

You know Denny Hamlin is thinking it. Therefore it deserves to be on a hat!

New merchandise isn’t limited to only the fans. No, the legendary grandfather-clock winner’s prize has received an upgrade, too, to include a state-of-the-art LCD screen, complete with an alarm clock to wake you up in three hours after the post-victory celebration dies down.

Uh oh, we’ve upset the neighbors, who weren’t expecting a Wednesday night race. Maybe they’re happy their favorite driver was the victim of a bump-and-run or something. Anyway, own a piece of Martinsville Speedway history and take home a noise complaint from the first-ever Wednesday night NASCAR Cup Series race at "The Paperclip."

To be enjoyed with maybe 30 laps to go. Will help you get a good night’s sleep after being wound up by the race’s exciting ending. Only eat one. SIDE EFFECTS: May cause abdominal distension, drowsiness, sweating, hallucinations and feelings of really severe regret.

Everybody wants a little more NASCAR in their car, right? How about a pair of NASCAR-style headlights? Yeah, they’re just stickers, but if your favorite NASCAR stars can still see at night, why can’t you?

It’s a weeknight and your TV isn’t usually on this late. We’re selling the most valuable scrap of paper you could ask for: a sticky note containing the code with the TV’s parental control password! Sure, you set up the code 10 years ago when you bought the TV, but who actually remembers the code? And how didn’t you guess ‘1234’ in the first place — after your favorite drivers, Ryan Blaney and Michael McDowell?