@nascarcasm: The Daytona 500 from A to Z

Everything you need to know about the Great American Race — the 2021 Daytona 500 — alphabetically.

SuperTex is the only driver in history to have won the Daytona 500, the Indianapolis 500, the Rolex 24 at Daytona and the 24 Hours of Le Mans. And at 86, he could still knock out Jake Paul in less than 30 seconds.

Before Daytona International Speedway was built, races were held on a course that was half beachside highway, half on the actual beach. And here you thought the fastest thing to ever run on the beach was David Hasselhoff. Yeah, NOPE.

As in giant, multi-car behemoths known as “The Big One.” Which is an odd name because there’s usually more than one. We should wait until after the race and designate the title to the biggest one, but no one listens to me.

I mean, who else? When he finally scored that elusive Daytona 500 win in 1998, teams lined pit road to shake hands with him. An incredible show of respect that to this day will make your eyeballs sweat like the cutting of a million onions.

As in the Harley J. Earl Trophy – the Daytona 500’s coveted prize. It’s named after automobile designer and second commissioner of NASCAR Harley Earl. It’s also fun to watch the winning driver try and hoist it on his own before realizing, “OK, I need help here … ”

Fight, fracas, fisticuffs, so many words that begin with “F” to use. The brawl in the Daytona between Cale Yarborough and the Allison brothers after a wreck in the closing laps is probably the most famous one in NASCAR history. The drivers, despite being enraged at each other, followed proper fight protocol in that they fought in full view of the TV cameras. Thank you, all.

Jeff Gordon won the Daytona 500 in 1997, 1999 and 2005 – three of Hendrick Motorsports' eight wins in the Great American Race. He was also the last driver to win the race before Y2K hit. Remember when that was supposed to be a big deal? Anyways …

To say “Denny Hamlin has also won the Daytona 500 three times” doesn’t really do it justice. If you add up all three margins of victory, it’s .162 seconds. Hamlin clearly doesn’t want comfortable margins of victory. He wants to beat people to the line by the zeptosecond.

That’s the road along which the speedway is located. Legend has it Bill France Sr. saw there was a road in Daytona named International Speedway Boulevard and thought, “This is the perfect place to build an international speedway.” Most people think it was the other way around, but sometimes Wikipedia is wrong.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has won there twice. When he does, it’s not so much a celebration so much as it is a no-holds-barred bacchanalia. The most recent was in 2014, at like 10:45 p.m. after a long rain delay. If you didn’t know that, well, sorry for the big-ass spoiler.

AKA Richard Petty, who holds the record for most Daytona 500 victories with seven. He’s like the New England Patriots of the Daytona 500. But like, not this year’s New England Patriots. UGH, that used to be such an easy metaphor to use.

That giant rectangular body of water you see along the backstretch is the man-made Lake Lloyd. The dirt used to build up the banking in the turns was excavated from this area. Apparently it used to be way closer to the track, and cars would actually spin out into the lake. Just imagine your favorite driver battling for the lead then driving his car into the lake like Michael Scott.

Juan Pablo Montoya is a decorated racer with a slew of accolades, wins and championships across multiple disciplines. So when someone brings up his name … STOP MAKING A JOKE ABOUT THIS. THEY’VE ALL BEEN MADE.

In 1993 and 1996, Ned Jarrett had the honor of calling two of son Dale Jarrett’s Daytona 500 victories from the TV booth. Ned is clearly overjoyed yet keeps his composure. It’s a moment that really makes me wish I had maybe once made my dad proud. Still working on it.

The car make in which Lee Petty won the first-ever Daytona 500 in 1959. Johnny Beauchamp was initially declared the winner, but photos and news footage taken at the checkered flag showed Petty ahead. Three days later, Petty was declared the winner. And we thought NFL replay took forever.

In 2013, Danica Patrick made history by becoming the first woman to win not only a pole for the Daytona 500, but also any pole in the history NASCAR Cup Series. You will put respect on her name.

The field for the Daytona 500 is set differently than the rest of the races on the schedule. During single-car qualifying, only the first row is determined. The rest of the field is set later based on finishing position in the Duels at Daytona. If you want to know how specifically, I suggest you speak with someone else who knows how to do math.

During which, just in case there’s any confusion, you can NOT jump out of your car and pull on the fenders like Sterling Marlin did in 2002.

As in the “Ickey Shuffle” – the touchdown dance performed by former Cincinnati Bengals running back Elbert “Ickey” Woods. Darrell Waltrip attempted this dance after finally winning the Daytona 500 in 1989. We now see why it was his brother and not him who was asked to be on “Dancing With The Stars.”

The 2012 Daytona 500 was the de facto jumping off point for NASCAR’s full-on entry into the world of social media. Brad Keselowski tweeted this photo of the jet-dryer fire from inside his car, and the rest is history. Now we use Twitter constantly, for everything from begging for a birthday retweet to send anonymous, misspelled vitriol to drivers we don’t like. Technology, man!

As in Kate Upton, just one of countless stars and celebrities who have attended the Great American Race. Ronald Reagan, Jane Lynch, John Cena, J.J. Watt, Gerard Butler, Owen Wilson, Keanu Reeves, Whoopi Goldberg, Ben Affleck, and last but not least…

… PETER LA FLEUR FROM “DODGEBALL” YO.

Not only is Michael Waltrip an absolutely magnificent dancer, but he’s also a two-time Daytona 500 winner.

Last year’s Daytona Xfinity Series winner, Noah Gragson, will be attempting to qualify the Beard Motorsports No. 62 for this year’s Daytona 500, so long as he finishes last year’s victory celebration sometime soon.

If you’re racing in the Daytona 500, chances are you’ll be doing some, albeit involuntarily.

That was Denny Hamlin’s margin of victory over Martin Truex Jr. in the 2016 Daytona 500. I don’t know how short an amount of time that is, but I think that’s like 1 1/1000th of a “Hey Hamlin, I like your PJs!”