@nascarcasm: Is it ‘The Big One’ or not?

There’s an odds-on likelihood that there will be some sort of multi-car wreck this weekend at Talladega Superspeedway. Probably more than one. But don’t be too quick to scream “IT’S THE BIG ONE!” and scare the children and the dog. Not all wrecks there are “The Big One.” There are multiple levels of multi-car melees and we’re going to share them with you.

Single-car incidents at Talladega are about as rare as hearing “No alcohol for me, I’ll just have a La Croix” at Talladega, but they do happen. Sometimes they look like the start of what could be a larger incident, but said incident never materializes. This is not to say other drivers don’t have a little pee come out when they see your car sailing towards them, but they avoid you. Thus, they are “The Solo One.”

The two-car incident, or “The Snack-Size One,” typically occurs near the back of the pack. Amusingly, this is the spot to which cars usually drop back to avoid trouble. And then, well, trouble happens. Generally there is not much debris to clean off the track. Only irony. There is irony everywhere.

“The Petite One” is any wreck that involves only three or four cars. Like this one for example. How it did not materialize into a “Big One” is one of life’s great mysteries, up there with “If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to remain silent?”

If the total number of cars involved is around five, it is known as “The Smedium One.” “Smedium,” as you know, is an unofficial size of t-shirt worn by men. It exists nebulously between small and medium, and is the dude’s way of showing off the bicep, no matter how unimpressive it actually is. Matt DiBenedetto owns several.

"The Intermediate One” is exactly what it sounds like. It’s the 1.5-miler of wrecks. Has maybe eight to 10 drivers involved, but several other cars are able to get away unscathed. This is one of those wrecks where an announcer might say “It’s the Big One!” but then a much bigger one occurs a few laps later, requiring an on-air correction.

This one can have the same number of cars involved, but we’re not concerned with the number of cars so much as the aggregation of them. Rather than scattering in different directions, they sort of join together like passengers to the gate when they announce that boarding will begin in 20 minutes.

Now “The Grande One” sounds like “The Big One” but we like to adhere to the Starbucks sizing system here. It’s of appreciable size, but not the biggest. If a wreck were coffee, this would be the wreck that gets you through the morning up until your lunch break. But afterward, you might need a “Petite One” to help get you through to 5 p.m.

It’s larger than “The Grande One.” Also, fire.

“The WTF? One” is high on the scale because not only does it involve a significant number of cars, but also a significant amount of wondering what the hell they were thinking. If the explanation of this one isn’t clear, don’t worry – neither was Kevin LePage.

More cars involved than aren’t involved? A giant plume of dust and dirt? Cars scattering in every direction? Has the announcer said “WHO’S LEFT?” Do they run a graphic of cars not involved in the wreck because it’s much shorter? Here, my friend, you have a tried and true, dyed-in-the wool Big One. Feel free to yell it so that neighbors miles away can hear.