@nascarcasm: Daytona FAQ for new fans

It’s time for the Daytona 500 (Sun., 2:30 p.m. ET, FOX), race fans. And for those who may be tuning in to the "Great American Race" for the first time, we know you probably have questions. They’re probably the same questions many of us had the first time we watched. So therefore, we’ve assembled this helpful FAQ for you.

WHY DAYTONA BEACH? Well, we used to race on the beach itself. In the late 1940s and early to mid-1950s, the Daytona Beach Road Course hosted races for what would eventually become NASCAR. The course was half paved (A portion of A1A) and half on the beach itself. In 1959, Daytona International Speedway was built – ushering in a facility much more suitable for the fast-growing event with a much lower chance of a shark attack. Pleased to say we no longer have sand on the backstretch! Except for that one time. We’ll get to that.

THOSE CORNERS LOOK REALLY STEEP ON TV – ARE THEY? OH BUDDY are they! The corners at Daytona International Speedway are banked about 31 degrees. You could probably slide down the banking on a cafeteria tray and reach at least 30 mph. (DO NOT RECOMMEND)

HOW BIG IS DAYTONA INTERNATIONAL SPEEDWAY: It's 2.5 miles around, which means the 500-mile race is 200 laps. It can go longer if there’s a large wreck near the end and the race goes into NASCAR Overtime, but that rarely, if ever, happens. Because this is your first time watching, allow me to notify you the previous sentence is sarcasm.

WHY DO THEY RUN SO CLOSE? THAT MAKES ME NERVOUS: That makes ALL of us nervous, don’t worry. That’s called “The Draft.” See, years ago, drivers discovered that they could go much, much faster by running close together and punching a bigger hole in the air. But in the never-ending quest for more speed, the drivers didn’t realize it would make fans, spotters, crew chiefs and especially car owners exceed the recorded human limits of puckering.

HOW LONG DOES THE DAYTONA 500 TAKE TO COMPLETE? Well, that all depends. On average, it’s a thrilling three and a half hours, with tension building as the laps click off. It can go longer if there are crashes or other bizarre happenings that Juan Pablo Montoya is really, really tired of getting asked about.

WAIT – IS THAT A GIANT LAKE INSIDE THE TRACK? It is. It’s called Lake Lloyd. It was once a retention pond at the time of the track’s construction, and the dirt dug up was used to create the banked turns. FRET NOT – there are plenty of walls and barriers in place so a spinning car will not wind up in the lake and sink into the briny clutches of Davy Jones’ Locker. If that’s what you seek, there are plenty of TikToks where someone drives their family sedan into a swimming pool. I’ve watched them all. They’re kind of great.

WHO DO I ROOT FOR? This is your first time watching, so here’s my take – you don’t have to pick anyone just yet. Watch the drivers get interviewed before the race – that will be your first introduction to them. Then watch the race. Some drivers will be smooth and mistake-free. Some drivers will make moves and cause incidents that raise your ire. Some will appeal to you, and some will make your madder n’ a sock full of bees. Let the selection of your favorite driver happen organically. And if none of this works, Chase Elliott.

HOW MANY CARS WILL START THE DAYTONA 500: 40 cars.

HOW MANY CARS WILL FINISH THE DAYTONA 500: Let’s just say ... fewer than 40 cars.

HOW DO THE DRIVERS KNOW WHEN TO GO HIGH OR LOW? Meet the spotters! Every driver has an eye in the sky – usually atop the press box or wherever the spotter’s stand is located – who is in constant communication with their driver over radio. Think of them as the driver’s spy balloon. The spotter tells the driver when to change lanes, what grooves around the track seem to be faster than others, what other cars are doing and when wrecks are happening. But the spotter is an invaluable resource to the driver – not only do they provide the guidance to get their driver to the front of the pack, but they’re also an easy person to blame when drivers screw up but don’t want to blame themselves. As I said, invaluable.

HOW DO THEY DETERMINE THE ORDER IN WHICH THE CARS BEGIN THE RACE? A combination of single-car qualifying and a pair of races held a couple of days before the Daytona 500. On February 15, each driver will have a chance to run a timed lap on track by themselves. The two fastest drivers at the end of this session will be on the front row at the start of the Daytona 500. The next evening, there are two showdowns called the Bluegreen Vacations Duel races. These two contests determine the rest of the running order. I could tell you how, but know what? It’s cooler if you just watch the races themselves – they’re pretty awesome, and they’ll tell you how it happens on the broadcast. It involves math, and I failed calculus twice in college. The only math problem I’m confident in answering is the one where you ask how many times I’ve used calculus in my life, and I tell you, “ZERO.”

I’D LIKE TO PLACE A WAGER ON THE RACE – WHO SHOULD I PICK TO WIN? Here’s the thing about the Daytona 500 – it’s the kind of race where a favorite can get wrecked out, and a long shot can potentially win. Take 2021, for instance – 100-to-1 shot Michael McDowell, who won. So if you placed $100 on him to win, you’d have netted … I don’t know exactly (See previous slide about how bad he is at math). If I were a gambling man, I’d take the higher odds with this race. But after placing $100 on the Denver Broncos to win the Super Bowl this year, I am no longer a gambling man.

THEY KEEP TALKING ABOUT ‘TEAMMATES’ – EXPLAIN THIS TO ME: Each of these cars has an owner, and those owners can own more than one car. Let’s use Joe Gibbs Racing as an example – Joe Gibbs owns the Nos. 11, 19, 20 and 54 cars. So technically, the drivers in these cars are teammates. So a lot of the time, you’ll see these cars working together, pushing each other to the front and helping each other out.

REALLY? BECAUSE I WATCHED THE END OF LAST YEAR’S DAYTONA 500 AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE KID WHO WON REALLY CUT OFF HIS TEAMMATE AT THE END THERE: I said “MOST OF THE TIME,” OK.

WHO ARE THESE CREW CHIEFS THEY KEEP MENTIONING? Think of the crew chief as the head coach. They call the shots and make the big decisions. They’re the ones who oversee the setup of the race car, determine when the driver will make a pit stop and communicate with the drivers during the race about how the car is handling, among a slew of other duties. It takes a great amount of skill and demeanor to be a crew chief. One must be able to make quick decisions, be able to lead a large and diverse team and be able to withstand salvos of on-radio profanity from your driver so intense they would make Quentin Tarantino say, “HEY, DUDE, LANGUAGE.”

ARE THESE PEOPLE ON THE PIT CREW AS BRAVE AS I THINK THEY ARE? More so. The men and women on the pit crews possess a fortitude I cannot fathom primarily because I am a coward who shrieks in shock whenever the toast pops out of the toaster. But they’re highly trained athletes that will change four tires, fill the car with fuel and possibly make a minor chassis adjustment on the car, all in under 12 seconds if everything goes well. Watching them will spoil you and make you forever wonder why the oil-change place takes 20 minutes for a simple change and filter.

WHO IS THIS FUN AND BOISTEROUS FELLOW IN THE TV BOOTH WITH THE ACCENT? That would be Clint Bowyer. Clint Bowyer is a retired driver that won multiple NASCAR races, but more than that, he’s like America’s fun uncle. If you mixed the DNA of a skilled NASCAR driver, Boss Hogg from “The Dukes Of Hazzard” and a five-year-old boy with attention deficit disorder, you’d have Clint. Clint is awesome in every way and a tremendous addition to the booth.

WHAT IF I REALLY LIKE IT AND WANT TO ACTUALLY GO TO THE RACE NEXT YEAR? First off, drop the “what If” from that sentence. You WILL really like it, and attending the Daytona 500 is an absolute must. Daytona International Speedway is a world-class racing facility, and the fine folks who run it would absolutely LOVE to have you next year. Buy tickets quick – this race sells out. The Daytona International Speedway website will have all the ticket information you need – on-sale dates, seat maps, etc. Tell them I sent you. Or, if you want way better seats, don’t mention me at all.