NASCAR mad libs: 2017 preseason edition

I’m so excited for the 2017 NASCAR season! The off-season makes me so —grumpyfrustratedboredanxious . I’ve had to spend every single day —tweeting Denny Hamlin the number of days until Daytonawhittling Derrike Cope action figureswatching old NASCAR races on YouTubewriting Greg Biffle fan fiction while I —wrap my street car to match Jimmie Johnson‘s carstock my refrigerator with Monster Energysob uncontrollablysing holiday songs in Larry McReynolds’ accent . Bring back the —restartsBig Onetwo-hour pre-race showsuncontrolled tires and —race carsKyle Busch Cautionsu2122Throwback weekend paint schemesspilling tacos on race cars !

—Monster EnergyErik JonesGray GauldingTy Dillon has joined the Cup Series, which makes me feel —excitedoldnervousthirsty . Things sure are changing, especially since you never see —shirtless fans with a ‘3’ shaved into their back hairthe Labonte brothersJohnny Sauter singing patriotic tunesSterling Marlin anymore. I haven’t seen —a fuel mileage raceGreg Bifflea start and park carpeople trying to start ‘the wave’ in the grandstands for as long as I can remember.

I’m definitely planning to go to —all 36 racesthe Fanatics tentthe infield at Talladegathe local Applebee’s every single weekend next season. Maybe I’ll pick up —a foam finger for the David Ragan fan in my lifeTony Stewart‘s race-used fire suit from Watkins Glenan authentic Austin Dillon cowboy hatseven of my favorite drivers’ t-shirts for every day of the week , and —a family pack of Martinsville hot dogsan Air Titana chartera Ryan Blaney tattoo for my —fun uncledear motherSharonaneighbor’s dog . It seems like everybody at the track these days is such a —Dale Jr. fanproud Americanvegan like Landon Cassillmillennial ! You’re not —a true NASCAR fanwelcome in Junior Nationlivinghaving a good time unless you —own a Kyle Larson bobbleheadhave a Denny Hamlin neck tattooknow Dale Jr.’s average finish in 2004ask Mike Helton if you can touch his mustache .

Most of all, I can’t wait for the —Chasereturn of Joey Gase2017 Dale of the Month calendarClash at Daytona . I hope this year’s champion is —Jimmie Johnsonnot Jimmie JohnsonDale Earnhardt Jr.the fans – especially after last year, when —Dale Jr. missed a bunch of racesJimmie Johnson tied Earnhardt and PettyDanica Patrick signed my fig bar that I later ateBrian Scott tearfully said goodbye and my heart hurts . I suppose I have no choice but to spend the rest of the off-season the same way I spend it every year, —complaining about everything imaginable on Facebookworking on my steamy Joey Logano fan fictionbrainwashing my niece and nephew into rooting for my favorite driverbump-drafting on the highwaycalling into radio shows complaining about that driver I hateflaring the fenders on my minivanwatching pay-per-view wrestling between Spencer Gallagher and John Wes Townleycreating my own car graveyard, just like Dale Jr.trying to acclimate myself to banana-and-mayonnaise sandwichescoming up with a new nickname for Kevin Harvickresearching scientific journals on evidence of The Vortex Theorytrying to re-create the secret Martinsville hot dog recipegoing four-wide on the interstate .