@nascarcasm: First-time viewer’s guide to picking a favorite driver

Greetings, first-time NASCAR viewers! Looking for a little guidance in choosing a driver to root for? We are here to help.

Popular people tend to associate with other popular people, so hey popular person, meet our most popular person. Chase Elliott, driver of the No. 9 car and NASCAR’s Most Popular Driver for the foreseeable six decades, is your guy. For real, another driver could go to each fan and hand them a free burrito with a $100 bill inside and they’d still finish second in the vote.

Harvick is one of the best out there. But last year he ran a one-time millennial-themed paint scheme and the pain on his face was visible. He did not know nor understand any of the words on his car. So if you also have a mild aversion to skrrt-skrrting, yeeting, avocado toast, live-streaming things and essential oils, may we introduce you to this fine gentleman.

Not only is Hamlin an incredible driver, but he and Michael Jordan are friends. That’s right, Denny has Michael Jordan’s phone number, but he won’t give it to you no matter how many times you direct message him, trust me. Hamlin even has a basketball court in his house. To our knowledge, MJ hasn’t played Hamlin one on one yet. But from what we’ve seen on “The Last Dance,” all Denny has to do is tweet “Michael Jordan isn’t what he used to be,” and Jordan will be at his front door within 10 seconds with visible flames burning in his eyes.

Mason Ramsey? Discovered via viral video. William Byron? Discovered on iRacing. Facial resemblance aside, both got their big break on the internet. Do realize, however, that iRacing is an incredibly realistic racing simulation on which Byron learned skills that could be transferred to NASCAR’s highest level. Not just anyone who got famous on the internet can race in NASCAR.
Don’t roll up to us all like “I’m TikTok famous so get me a firesuit.”

Whenever I watched WWE as a kid, I was like “I know I’m supposed to root for Hulk Hogan … but I just dig this ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper fellow more. He’s got an attitude. He gets in your face. His interviews are AWESOME.” That’s Kyle. He’s extremely polarizing. He keeps it interesting. He turns those boos during driver intros into motivation. Don’t like him? He doesn’t care. Is he good? He’s arguably the best out there. Sorry, Hulkster.

Tom and Jimmie are like the same person. Both are really nice guys, beloved in their respective fields, and good at almost anything they do. Also, if you’ve seen “Cast Away,” “Apollo 13” or “Captain Phillips,” you know that any vehicle Tom Hanks steps into is bound for disaster. Jimmie’s iRacing career was basically the same.

Hello, fan of The Rock! Allow us to introduce you to Matt DiBenedetto. Do you like muscle-bound beast-men whose social media accounts are chock-full of themselves lifting heavy things and putting them back down? Also, do you just really, really hate wearing pants? Matt will be your guy once you learn how to spell his last name. It’s a tough one. Hell, even he misspells it in like one out of every five autographs.

How do we describe Clint Bowyer in words … let’s see … have you ever tried to have a conversation with a tornado that’s had a few beers?

Ryan Blaney is most definitely the driver of choice for everyone from a 12-year-old girl watching Harry Styles music videos on her iPad to a 50-something mom frustrated with her husband’s emerging dad-bod and looking for something else at which to longingly stare. It’s incredible range. I mean you could try to pick another driver, if you’re somehow vaccinated against smoldering thirst traps. But I doubt it.

Both Samuel L Jackson and Kurt Busch are complete bad-asses. But the similarities don’t end there. At this point we direct you to Kurt’s in-car audio stream and you’ll quickly realize “OHHHH so THAT’S what they meant … ”