@nascarcasm: How NASCAR could improve Black Friday

We all know that Black Friday is chaos. What can we do to make it more orderly? Well, here are a few things NASCAR does that we can also apply to the first shopping day of the holiday season.

Don’t just open the door and let these lunatics trample over each other for a toaster. Institute some form of pacing the field, so to speak. Have the customers walk slowly around the store, unable to advance their position, led by a security guard on a mobility scooter. Calm them down. Develop a sense of order. Once it has, turn them loose.

Too often shoppers have to search an entire hectic store for a toy or appliance, but they have absolutely no idea where to find it. That’s where shopper spotters would come in. For an added fee, you get a headset when you walk in the door, and your eye in the sky will help get you where you need to go. “AVOID AISLE 15, THREE SETS OF PARENTS ARE HITTING EACH OTHER WITH LAMPSHADES … GO LOW, GO LOW … OK GUY AHEAD OF YOU ALSO HERE FOR A PLUSH BABY YODA DOLL ALSO, KNOCK HIM OUTTA THE WAY … CLEAR … ”

Do I mean selling tickets to Black Friday? Yes I do. Set up bleachers for those of us who don’t want to shop, but rather sit back and observe other people getting enraged with each other, shoving each other and giving each other the middle finger. It’s like Martinsville in a Target.

Picture this – shoppers, when entering the store, have to choose a lane, with either lane directing shoppers to different departments. Maybe one goes to toys, while the other goes to electronics. But what happens if you choose the wrong lane? Well, just like NASCAR, you’re screwed. You’re here for a Nintendo Switch but looks like you’re gonna be punching other shoppers for some Shopkins.

Let’s throw some breaks into the pandemonium. Let’s say like, 11 a.m. and 3 p.m. – everyone stops and takes a breather for a few minutes. We’ll pass out waters to the shoppers. Stores can re-stock a few things. If you’ve been damaged, you can patch yourself up a bit.

Too many stores employ the standard setup – rows and rows or aisles all running parallel to each other. Let’s add some skill into the Black Friday shopping experience by setting up a complex maze of aisles with high-speed zones, braking zones and chicanes. It would be more fun to push a cart through the Walmart Roval, I’m just saying.

Before the doors open, send all the shoppers through inspection. Granted, we’re not looking for body panels that may be off by a thousandth of an inch, etc. ... We’re just looking for anything that may give any Black Friday shoppers an unfair advantage. And being Black Friday, we mean baseball bats and tasers.

iRacing = cheaper, slightly easier and you can do it without wearing pants. Online shopping = same.