@nascarcasm: Ideas for Jimmie Johnson’s next job

We know that our beloved Jimmie already plans to run several IndyCar races and possibly a select few NASCAR races next year. Even with these events on his schedule, he’ll still have way more free time on his hands. He’ll need a side job to fill the time. We have some suggestions.

Jimmie would be spectacular at molding young minds. He can even sneak in aspects of his career into the curriculum. “OK Brian … if you take the number of wins I had at Dover, and multiply it by the number of Cup championships I have, what do you g … OK, Brian, you’re wrong, that … that should be way higher. Let me load my Wikipedia page for you … ”

Jimmie knows a thing or two about cycling. Dude’s a cycling fanatic, and has a huge pile of bike shorts to prove it. Imagine the EDM thumping as he coached riders through an intense, Jimmie-style workout. “COME ON, COWARDS. I DO THIS EVERY DAY IN COLORADO WHERE THE AIR IS WAY THINNER. YOU ARE ALL WEAK, WEAK SPECIMENS … ” he would yell.

It could be travel. It could be fashion. Whatever he puts his mind to. Jimmie has a keen eye for the perfect Instagram angle. It’s not absurd to envision him posing in front of a wall with wings painted on it, wearing the latest haute couture.

What? Jimmie, a Feng Shui master? Stop laughing. You think arranging nine Martinsville grandfather clocks in your home in just the perfect location so as to maximize harmony with the natural world is easy?

He’s a health fanatic who has always had a calm, peaceful demeanor. Plus, word is he once did this exact pose atop a moving golf cart.

He knows a thing or two about keeping the youths in line, considering the average age of his teammates. And remember the time last year when he got in Ryan Blaney’s face after Watkins Glen? He can provide stern lectures to loud, misbehaving whippersnappers outside of Hot Topic with equal intensity.

After his 2020 season, we think that Jimmie will develop a keen interest in warning people about what adversity awaits them.

Something to keep that competitive fire burning. This is racing in its purest form, folks. There is no sponsorship, inspection, media obligations, none of that. It’s run what you brung. And you brung an ostrich.

It would be a shame if Jimmie let his well-known gaming skills evaporate.