@nascarcasm: New viewer’s guide to driver nicknames

Greetings, new NASCAR viewer! We hope you're enjoying what you see! You may have noticed a few nicknames thrown out for different drivers during the race. We're here to help ease you into becoming a full-fledged NASCAR fan, so here is a guide to all current driver nicknames.

WHY: Mostly because it rhymes. Other words like "Omen" and "Roman" also rhyme but make no sense. He's a fun dude and an excellent driver, but expect no show tunes out of Alex.

WHY: It's an homage to Rowdy Burns, a character in the 1990 film "Days Of Thunder" that serves as Cole Trickle's (Tom Cruise) on-track adversary. DO NOT look to this film for any sort of accuracy as it pertains to NASCAR. That'd be no different than basing your knowledge of astrophysics solely on "Armageddon."

WHY: If you try to say his last name five times fast, this is usually what you're saying by the fifth attempt.

WHY: OK, so I haven't gotten this one to really take off, but this guy won the Daytona 500 a couple years back and celebrated by getting the logo inked on his right cheek. Not kidding. Anyways, if we could get several new fans to start using this one, maybe we can make it stick.

WHY: It's just a shorthand version of his name. A more relaxed version. "William Byron" is a very formal sounding name, like that of a British aristocrat who plays the harpsichord during afternoon tea.

WHY: Yep, Chase is actually a nickname. Legend has it that years ago, a family friend nicknamed him as such because his real name, William Clyde Elliott II, did not fit a young boy from Georgia. I kind of like the full name, personally. Sounds like an outlaw wanted for robbing stagecoaches.

WHY: The "why" is unimportant. No matter what, always address him as "Danny." He will think it's hilarious. Maybe.

WHY: Why the nicknames? Or why so many nicknames? No one knows. Just pick whichever one you like and go with it. Or hell, make up one of your own and add it to the list.

WHY: He routinely breaks into driver William Byron's house and takes things. He is, coincidentally, also from Byron, Michigan, I just learned.

WHY: It was give to him in his early racing days back in his home state of Wisconsin. It's "brat" as in the misbehaving young kid, as opposed to "brat" as in the sausage. Although he's from Wisconsin, so could be either I guess.

WHY: Much like Alex Bowman, because it rhymes. Brad is not bad as in not good. Brad is bad as in good. The good kind of bad. Know what, just go to the next slide.

WHY: LaJoie picked up this name as a young kid. You'll hear the term "Shoe" used to describe talented drivers, which means LaJoie is amazingly talented. He asked me to write that.

WHY: Jimmie Johnson has won seven Cup championships. That's why. We really cranked up the creativity on this one. This nickname brought to you by someone who has a dog named "Dog."

WHY: Many years back, Logano was given the nickname by Randy LaJoie. There's this old idiom that describes something good as "The greatest thing since sliced bread." This idiom was clearly coined by someone with extremely low culinary standards. This same person probably fainted the first time he had a rice cake.

WHY: Early in his career, Newman had one request. He wanted his nickname to be an Elton John song. After going by "Tiny Dancer" for a few weeks, folks realized that he was not tiny nor a very good dancer. So he changed it to "Rocket Man" after Newman won several poles during qualifying.

WHY: Several other drivers gave him this nickname after a few superspeedway races during which they did not appreciate his aggressive moves. But they just hate fun. Stenhouse rules.