@nascarcasm: The many looks of Paul Menard’s over the years
By @nascarcasm | Thursday, September 19, 2019
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Paul Menard is many things to us. Driver. Friend. Hirsute, silent enigma. Throughout the years, he’s also been an underground style icon, with many different approaches to facial hair that most mere mortals would not dare to attempt. In honor of his impending retirement, let’s take a look back through these many devastatingly intense looks.
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Youthfully exuberant Paul opted for a lonely tuft on the chin. It was an odd look – one that seemed to imply that he had grown a Charlie Chaplin mustache that fell off his upper lip but was able to grab hold of his chin before falling to the ground.
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The Soul Patch was supplemented with a most thick and angular set of sideburns. Look how sharp and neatly calibrated they are. Perfect triangles. It’s as if he went to the barber with a map of Pocono Raceway and said “Put this on the side of my head.”
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Close inspection of this look reveals a beard that is shaped like a traditional 1.5-mile track with a tri-oval. It’s fascinating. Thick on the edges, but thin in the middle. It’s like male-pattern baldness on a chin.
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This sideburn look is known as the “Compromise” because it is the perfect visual metaphor for a negotiation. You have two parties on opposite sides, but if it all goes well, they will eventually meet in the middle.
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Look at that small island of beard, all alone by itself amongst a vast ocean of nothingness. At this point I don’t know why you even bother having it. It looks like you were trying to shave and just missed a spot. If your facial hair is akin to that of the lead singer of SmashMouth, you’ve made debatable life choices.
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This look is like when you watch a trailer for an upcoming “Star Wars” movie. You know the finished product is going to be amazing, but this is just a preview of the greatness for which you’ll have to wait.
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This unique Fu-Man-Chu look is extremely rare. It is generally reserved for throwback weekend at Darlington Raceway or for when Paul is auditioning to portray an extra in a western. If you look closely, it’s really less of a mustache and more of sideburns for his mouth.
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The hirsute masterpiece. The one for which Paul Menard is known. If he’s Billy Joel, then this look is his “Piano Man.” The beard so thick that he can keep a Sharpie in it. The beard so thick that he has to shave with Braveheart’s sword. The beard so thick that it has its own beard. Respect it. Bow to it before it dominates you.