Stock Car Racing’s Entertainers of the Year: Part Two
By @nascarcasm | Tuesday, April 28, 2020
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It's time for today's drivers to give us a follow-up to the album that was recorded in the mid 80s. We have ideas. Again.
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Ryan Blaney's track would be something a la 70s Tom Jones – perhaps a sequel to his hit, "What's New, Pussycat?" However, Blaney would use the song to pay tribute to a very large and vocal portion of his fan base. When performed live, Blaney would shake and gyrate, driving the moms into a frenzy. It would be a surreal scene -- and disturbing also, if you witness your own mom throw her undergarments onstage at a guy 30 years younger. But there's therapy for that.
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It would be a crime for Clint's track to not fully represent the essence of Clint. That's why it would be a jangly stomp, featuring Clint on a washtub bass and backed up by a jug band from his hometown of Emporia, Kansas. Lots of hootin' and hollerin' and a killer washboard solo midway through. One verse, repeated three times -- due to his attention span, there's only so much he can commit to memory.
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Matt would probably pen his own version of ZZ Top's hit song "Sharp Dressed Man." But add his own spin to it. And he'd probably demand to record naked.
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Denny is the freestyle-battle champion of the NASCAR garage. He would probably drop a sick verse for the album. "I destroy on the mic / And I'm good friends with Michael / Jordan and hoardin' Harley Earls like psycho / What, you mad / You can't top the 1-1 / Been in 10,000 battles and I ain't lost one." His mixtapes are like actual tape -- they blow things up.
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Jimmie Johnson is known for his cool, unflinching demeanor. The man is even-keel, defined. Smooth. He is the walking personification of adult-contemporary jazz. His offering, "In The Shadow Of The Seven Trophies (Silhouettes)," would be a lilting composition that would finally allow Jimmie to display his prowess on the alto sax, a la Kenny G. Straight up baby-making music.
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Kyle's track would be a fun little country jingle about his love for lapped traffic.
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Paul would only record a song for the album under one condition -- he gets to perform an instrumental version (obviously) on his favorite instrument, that being the pan flute. He would cover a song that really speaks to him. I mean, he won't speak back at it, but it speaks to him. The end result would be pure Menardian Zen for the soul.
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Set to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire," but it's just Regan doing a rapid-fire listing of all the drivers for which he's filled in at some point in time.
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Truex would offer a take-no-prisoners, ear-piercing thrash metal tune that he wrote following the race at Auto Club Speedway this year. It would be about 20 minutes long.
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This album would provide an opportunity for Morgan Shepherd to return to his other love -- pulse-pounding electronic dance music. Known in clubs as "Sheplo," he can compose another bass-heavy magnum opus that will get the kids glow-sticking like mad.