To whom it may concern at Dover International Speedway,
Your race track is undoubtedly the crown jewel of Delaware, which a quick Wikipedia lookup tells us actually is a state. However, there’s something that needs to be considered.
Your mascot, Miles The Monster, clearly does not frighten a certain driver. That driver’s name is Jimmie Johnson.
Monsters are supposed to be scary to everyone, not just a select few. If a monster isn’t scaring at least 51 percent of its constituents (a simple majority), then it is failing at its job. And it literally has one job, and that’s scaring people. There are no other job responsibilities for a monster. It doesn’t scare people for seven hours of the workday and then work in the mail room of accounts receivable for one hour.
And we have it on good authority that after Jimmie Johnson’s 934th victory at Dover this past weekend, Miles now checks under his bed for Jimmie Johnson.
That’s why we’re proposing a replacement statue. One that not only cements Jimmie’s legacy at Dover (BTW, cement is an ingredient of concrete, so that’s a really good verb to use), but also shows his dominance over the once formidable concrete ogre.
So we hereby propose Concrete Jimmie Giving Miles A Brutal Atomic Wedgie. It’s an apt metaphor for what Jimmie does there. With each victory, Miles’ imaginary concrete boxers get further and further wedged up in there. Let us know if this works.
