Help Twitter find the perfect Dale Jr. retirement gift … for only $88

Friends, race fans, fellow countrymen and Twitter people – we need your help.

With just a few races remaining in Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s illustrious driving career, there’s not a lot of time left to send a retirement gift wishing NASCAR’s most popular driver of all time well in his transition into retirement (using the term “retirement” loosely).

It is necessary for us to send Dale Jr. a retirement gift. Dale Jr. has recently retweeted both of us on separate occasions. We take that as a sign that we’re basically best friends with him now and he wants to hang out with us a lot.

NASCAR’s race tracks have heaped gifts upon Dale Jr. in his final season— from charitable donations to an actual car driven by his father, gifted by Talladega Superspeedway — and we feel sort of obligated to give him a little something, too.

But we — the community — can do even better. Maybe. We think.

Yeah, a gift of Dale Earnhardt’s actual 1980 race car was kind of cool. And New Hampshire Motor Speedway’s musket and Tricorn Patriot hat was certainly something (if nothing else, we thank NHMS for the “Patriot Dale” photos that are better than we could ever muster with Photoshop). And we’d be remiss not to mention the many donations tracks are making in Dale’s name to several worthy charitable causes.

However, these gifts lean towards sentimental and/or altruistic. That’s not our particular brand of motor oil.

Dale is a man of class and refinement, but we’re looking to get Dale something that appeals to his other side – the one that tosses demolished race cars on his lawn and decorates an entire room in his house with Elvis memorabilia. The one that spends hours on eBay bidding on “Cannonball Run” lunchboxes. Think less “This would definitely appeal to Dale’s sentimental side” and more “OMG Amy’s gonna HATE this but oh well.” Think Skymall clearance section.

That’s where you come in.

Together, we have emptied our swear jars and have decided that we have a budget of $88. Eighty-eight whole dollars.

Tweet us your very best suggestions that fit within our lofty, generous budget. We’ll curate some the best gifts, select our very favorite, and send it to Junior himself. Our plan is to ship it to the JR Motorsports shop, as our numerous direct messages to Dale asking for his home address have resulted in restraining orders and threatening messages from Gus the Dog.

Send your suggestions to @steveluvender and @nascarcasm. We’ll make our decision in roughly three weeks. Remember, the less useful the item, the better.

Happy shopping, and thanks in advance for your help.

@SteveLuvender & @nascarcasm