First off I must apologize for the delay between blogs. As my owner’s retirement neared, it became my self-assigned duty to steal all of the retirement gifts he was bringing home and bury them in the backyard and that became quite the time suck. Amy buries most of the crap he hoards from eBay just east of the treehouse, so I had to stick most of the items in the car graveyard. The tricorn hat from Loudon? I dropped that over on Blaney’s porch. With his hair and facial hair he’s halfway to looking like Jack Sparrow anyways.
The only thing I didn’t bury is the musket he received from the “Magic Mile.” I talked with some of the deer that roam the property and we all agreed it would be hilarious if Dale actually tried to hunt with that thing. The way we see it, if Dale were to miss with the first shot, the deer would have time to point and laugh at his terrible aim then saunter out of range while he got all frustrated during the five-minute re-loading process.
I saw he received a few animals as gifts and got all nervous, but turns out they were all service animals, which is a nice gesture. I mean look at this one. Weirdest-looking dog I have ever seen. 
But it was a very emotional time for all of us. I sobbed many dog tears. It was such a long, sad goodbye. Why couldn’t Dale have saved us the emotional breakdowns and just not shown up to work like that Carl Edwards guy did?
So, a lot has happened since I last blogged. First and foremost, my owner is now officially retired from full-time racing in the Monster Energy Series. It’s kinda good and kinda bad. I have gotten significantly more head scratches than usual, which I place in the “good” column. Plus, whenever I’m hanging with him and Amy and I let a scented scream out of the ol’ leather cheerio, I can blame it on him. Two can play that game, humans.
But there’s a lot of downside I never realized. For instance, whenever we’re binge-watching “Say Yes To The Dress,” we engage in this passive-aggressive battle where we try to claim more couch space. Dude is encroaching on the couch ass groove that I have spent YEARS developing. It’s my own little divot. I’m like NUH-UH, GINGER INTERLOPER – KNOW YOUR LIMITS. I swear he walks around here like he practically owns the place.
Plus, in my opinion, he’s enjoying the fruits of retirement a little TOO much. He used to be presentable. Now he walks around here looking like he just woke up on some stranger’s front lawn. Even Blaney’s like “Dude, groom your damn self.” And to our neighbors, I am terribly sorry - rest assured that Amy and I are doing everything in our power to get him to actually wear something under his bathrobe when he goes out to get the mail at 3 p.m. Please do not call the police until we can get this resolved.
And before I forget, I want to congratulate the fellow whose bus I took a dump in a couple years ago on winning that giant trophy. I think his name is Martin. His dog’s name is Boden and tell you what, that dog has an ego now. Whatever. As Kyle Busch said, sometimes you just don’t like a dog.
The other huge news is that apparently we are gaining a “new addition to the family” as Dale and Amy call it. This is vague. I dunno if this means they’re gonna be tossing another wrecked car chassis on our property that I then have to whiz upon because territory is territory – BACK OFF, JUNEBUG. Or maybe this means that Steve guy finally accepted Dale’s friend request. I don’t know.
OHHHHHHHHHHH hold on – wait, I just figured it out. We’re getting a new small human! As in they’re having a baby – AJ Allmendinger isn’t moving in or anything. Oh MAN, that’ll be crazy. Imagine when she’s born. Everyone’s gonna gather outside the hospital and Dale’s gonna have to go on the roof and hold her up like Simba.
OK … wow, I got so much to process right now. Gonna save it for another blog. OH man, imagine what great parents they’ll be. There’ll be a lot of us here - house will be packed pretty tight. Not Dale-in-bike-shorts tight. But tight.
They sure are gonna be awesome parents. They’ll make sure she’s well-raised, gets good grades, and knows that popularity isn’t the most important thing. At which point she might gesture at Dale’s 643 Most Popular Driver awards on the mantel and Dale’s gonna have to be like “Never mind them.”
SO MUCH TO PROCESS. Feliz Navidad, y’all.
– Gus