Yes, that’s right – we’re gonna follow along with each episode of Renovation Realities: Dale Jr. & Amy on the DIY Network — the network that makes home renovation projects look really easy on TV and then you try them at home and wind up cutting your own thumb off.
They’re renovating a really old house in Key West, Florida, which is a wonderful place to visit despite being just an “a” and an “n” from being “Kanye West” but let’s not get sidetracked here. Why are we blogging a TV show? Because that’s what the Internet does. There are like 800 people out there who live-blog “The Bachelorette” and if that many people are interested in this poor woman having to pick her next ex-fiancé from this Curve cologne-scented dork pageant, then HOT DAMN we’re gonna blog this.
First off, let’s hope that with Amy’s interior-decorating skills, this fixer-upper goes way better than Dale Jr.’s previous attempt at a fixer-upper.
I’m hoping her input trumps Dale’s. There, I said it. Because she’s a professional interior decorator, and he is … not that. She’ll be trying to find a tasteful fabric for the curtains, while he’s filling the koi pond with mayonnaise and fighting with the Key West town council that forbids him throwing wrecked race cars into the ocean as artificial reefs.
Second, why not “Dale & Amy: RENOV88TION”? I mean I’m probably gonna enjoy the show but this golden opportunity at branding is now gone. Whatever. I’m over it.
OK, let’s get watching. Very excited to be at home on a Saturday night watching a home renovation show because it features Dale and Amy, and not for the usual reason, because I’m 40 now and this is sadly what I’ve become.
SHOW INTRO
- Good little montage introducing Dale and Amy. She’s clearly way better at this than he is. This is gonna be like shifting at Pocono Raceway for him. Oh no.
FIRST SEGMENT
- Good introduction of Key West. It truly is a cool place to visit. I’ve been there several times and apparently I had a great time. I also got married there, no joke. Looks like they’re buying an old, run-down, beat-up, dilapidated, cat and termite-infested home there. Which in Key West means it was probably $20 million, as-is.
- Looks like Dale had to go in front of the town council or something to approve the project. That’s like the Key West version of getting called to the hauler.
- OH thank God, there’s someone helping them. Sort of like a crew chief. Oh Lord please, people, let’s appreciate this guy and not run him out of town like Lance McGrew.
- Apparently there’s a lot of cat pee everywhere. I don’t own a cat so I am not familiar with the aroma but Dale used to go in his fire suit on a weekly basis so, hey, go easy on the cats, OK?
- Oh man, there are bees. Be gentle. Those things, like my tweets, are dying at an alarming rate.
- Oooo they’re gonna put in a lanai, sweet. (Googles ‘lanai.’)
- Dale tries to operate a skid steer and almost backs it into a truck. We literally almost had a caution in a home renovation show. Holy s—. This is gold.
- So they have to stabilize the foundation by placing jacks underneath the house. They rock-paper-scissors and Dale wins which means he sends his pregnant wife to belly crawl through the vermin and garbage under the house because, you know, chivalry. Generally one wouldn’t tell his pregnant wife, “Hey, I know you’re with child and all, but could you Army crawl through maybe snakes and insects underneath this house?” but the rules of rock-paper-scissors are ironclad.
SECOND SEGMENT
- Dale just tried to take a sledgehammer to one of the home’s old concrete footings. Let’s just say the footing made it through unharmed. They gave him a jackhammer instead.
- Amy and Dale seem to really be working well as a team on this project. Usually any sort of home-improvement project is one-sided at my house. My wife and I say we’re gonna work together but shocker, only one of us winds up doing the sawing, the sanding, the nail pounding, etc. But rest assured, I thank her for it.
- OH huge beehive. Honey dripping everywhere. Shocked Dale didn’t conjure up his next weird sandwich. Honey-and-sawdust, or something.
- “Putting up all the siding is uh, pretty ex … citing,” says Dale. Working on the dad jokes before he’s actually a dad. Always work ahead.
THIRD SEGMENT
- OH MY GOD THEY’RE PREGNANT AGAI …wait, this was recorded some time ago.
- They’re putting Dale in the excavator – the most effective dirt-removing device aside from the splitter. Dale will love that joke.
- He yanked the waterline out of the meter. Popped it right off like it was a steering wheel at Talladega. Oh sweet molasses. Other than that, he’s doing well. I dig it. HAAAAAAA OK, if he can make that crappy dad joke earlier than let’s not pretend I just ruined everything.
- Them brick pavers is dope. Like a miniature Brickyard. I also like how they’re using some of them on the wall in the restroom. Like, an actual brick wall. Dale can then talk to said wall. It’ll remind Dale of when he used to ride in the truck at driver intros with Paul Menard.
- That’s a lot of work they did. House looking pretty swell for just 30 minutes of work.