On to Episode Two of “Renovation Realities: Dale Jr. & Amy” on the DIY Network! On this episode I learned more about shiplap than I expected. By that I mean prior to this episode, I had never heard of shiplap, and now I have. HEARING DALE EARNHARDT JR. SAY “PUTTIN’ UP THE SHIPLAP” WAS THE SOUL-AFFIRMING EXPERIENCE I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED.
Also, you get a better feel as to the awful condition of the home prior to the renovation. I would have given up. I’m not fit for the “Do It Yourself” network, but if they had an offshoot where frustrated individuals basically gave up halfway through a project called the “&^%$ It, You Do It” Network, I’d be perfect. Anyway, here we go.
- Looks like they’re redoing the kitchen. They’ll turn it into this pristine, immaculate space where Dale will come up with ghastly sandwiches. He’s like the Dr. Frankenstein of sandwiches. He places Cheetos and dill relish on a piece of bread then screams, “IT’S ALIVE!”
- They’re somehow gonna turn the tool shed into a dining room. Fascinating. They’ll be eating where a bunch of tools were kept. As in actual tools. I didn’t mean that all the guys on “The Bachelorette” were all hanging out there. Sorry for the confusion.
- Previous owner was “quite the collector” says Amy, as she’s too kind to say “hoarder.” So there’s a bunch of crap they have to throw out. They likely edited this scene to not show Dale examining each thing piece by piece, with one “Imma sell this on eBay!” pile and one “Naw” pile.
- MAGGOTS AND CAT POOP. THEY HAVE FOUND MAGGOTS AND CAT POOP IN THE HOUSE. But they’re continuing on. That’s what sets Dale and Amy apart. They’re driven to finish the job. If this were my show, this episode would come to an abrupt end as I burn down the house for insurance money then head north on U.S. 1.
- They’ve now uncovered dead scorpions. To review: maggots, cat poop and scorpions. This house is like an advent calendar of awful s—t.
- The floor gave way under Amy. It’s that rotten. She was OK, thankfully. Again, if this were me, Episode 2 would be over after eight minutes. The final scene would be me drinking at Captain Tony’s and watching the smoke from my house rise in the distance.
- Dale is having great difficulty pounding nails into the support beams of the ceiling. Someone please get a race car out there so we can see him properly drive something.
- Looks like Dale used some wrong pieces and has to undo a bunch of work and basically start over. If this is what you were looking to do, Dale, buying then trying to assemble an Ikea TV stand woulda been a hell of a lot cheaper.
- He actually said he’s learned from his mistakes, and that he’s learned to “slow down.” I guess as a race car driver that isn’t exactly an innate skill. But he’s taking responsibility. And he didn’t instinctively blame TJ Majors or something. I would have.
- One of the things you notice when watching this show is that Dale Jr. seems to have quite a wide array of cargo shorts. I’m glad to see that because I’m a cargo-shorts enthusiast myself and I will laugh in the face of anyone who tells me otherwise. I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL.
- YES, DALE’S OPERATING A GIANT CIRCULAR MITRE SAW. DO IT QUICK BEFORE THEY GET OUTLAWED THERE TOO, DALE.
- They’re “puttin’ up the shiplap,” says Dale. This is like one of the most Dale Jr.-sounding things I’ve ever heard Dale Jr. say.
- This first one is taking forever. Slow shiplap times.
- Amy’s away, so when it comes to making a decision regarding the shiplap, Dale very wisely calls her and gets her input. Anyway, they’re almost done. Shiplaps are winding down.
- Y’all better be appreciating the absolute hell out of these shiplap puns.
- Kitchen is done. It’s lovely. It’s also white. Very white. My OCD is begging them to never cook anything with red marinara sauce here.
- I’ve learned that you don’t say a room in the house is a “room.” It’s a “space.” So I’m now referring to my man cave at home as my “Bro Space.” I’m gradually learning how to sound much more formal and educated when it comes to the field of renovation and interior design, which is necessary because 20 minutes ago I was giggling at cat poop.
- Dale points to a piece of artwork on the wall and says, “And this is very cool, whatever this is.” He and I appreciate art the exact same way.
- I just made Dale Jr. saying “Shiplap” my new ringtone. I am not kidding.