I have always been a man of my word.
This is a value that was instilled in me at a young age by my parents, whom I continued to disappoint on a daily basis and still do, but that’s another topic entirely.
I keep promises. I proved this a couple of years ago, as you’ll recall, in a wager involving Joey Logano. He won at Richmond but failed post-race inspection, which meant that he had not qualified for the playoffs. As Twitter raged and frothed at the mouth, I made the very salient point that it wasn’t like Logano was going to go winless the rest of the year. In fact, if he did not, I would get Darrell Waltrip’s face tattooed on my inner thigh.
Well, you know what happened. He did not win the rest of the year. Tattoo gotten. Then he went on to win the championship the following year, which means he deliberately tanked in 2017 so that I’d have to get this tattoo. It was a conspiracy that runs deep. Tattoo truther here. I know what you did, Joey, you unscrupulous minx.
That leads me to this year. Earlier this summer, I was perhaps overly confident in Jimmie Johnson’s chances of making the playoffs – so much so that I promised to wear a dude romper with Jimmie’s face on it to Homestead if he didn’t. Once again, I gambled, and I lost.
The romper has arrived, it is ready to be worn, and somehow, some way, it is ready to be claimed on my 2019 tax return as a business expense. I purchased a size XL because I like my dude rompers baggy. But H&M must make these things because it is tight. Way tight. If I try and stretch, this thing is gonna rip like Hulk Hogan’s tank top and y’all are getting a show you didn’t want and didn’t ask for.
Thankfully, Homestead-Miami Speedway and Ally Financial have teamed up to provide fans with an incredible beach setup on the infield lake. Sand, umbrellas, beach chairs – the works. It seems like the ideal place to rock a dude romper without judgement. So that is where you’ll find me. I will be the first human being on earth to develop a romper tan. That’s what I do. I set records and blaze trails.
I could have easily disregarded this wager, and simply asked my editors at NASCAR.com to delete the article in which I promised to wear one. (EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS IS LIKE ONE OF 400 OF HIS ARTICLES WE WISH WE COULD DELETE) But again, that would be dishonest and unethical. How would you be able to trust me anymore? How could you believe a word I say even though 99 percent of what I post are lies anyway but, just like disappointing my parents, that’s another topic altogether?
That’s why this coming Sunday at Miami if you see a gentleman walking around in a dude romper, chances are pretty good that it’s me, because if someone else was wearing one of these willingly then they should check their homes for high lead levels. Come say hello. Take in the romper in all of its glory. Admire it as if it were a wearable Mona Lisa.
I’m off to the hotel fitness center now to do some squats and quad extensions. I’m not quite in dude romper shape yet and the clock is ticking. See you at the track.