| 1 |
2 |
 |
Ryan Newman |
We’ve finally figured out how he wins those fuel mileage races. At 210 pounds, he’s one of the heaviest drivers out there, so he just shuts the engine off and lets the car roll up and down the banking. |
| 2 |
1 |
 |
Jimmie Johnson |
He’s won more money ($4.5 million) than anyone else. Which is good. That boat Jeff Gordon had looked pretty expensive. |
| 3 |
4 |
 |
Kevin Harvick |
He might win the title, but he’ll have to win every race, lead the most laps in all of them, and hope Matt Kenseth is injured filming another Smirnoff Ice commercial. |
| 4 |
3 |
 |
Matt Kenseth |
He might clinch the title at Phoenix. How fitting. A Wisconsinite winning the title at the track where Alan Kulwicki won his first race. Here’s hoping Kenseth turns the car around the faces the crowd for a lap. |
| 5 |
8 |
 |
Jamie McMurray |
He’s got a Davey Allison-themed paint scheme this weekend. If McMurray wins with that car, it might take the infield two weeks to recover. |
| 6 |
5 |
 |
Dale Earnhardt Jr. |
He’s going for his fifth straight Talladega victory. If he wins, it will take the folks in the infield a full month to remember their own name. |
| 7 |
6 |
 |
Jeff Gordon |
And he still has just one more win than Jack Sprague in 2003. |
| 8 |
15 |
 |
Jeremy Mayfield |
Girl: Hey Jeremy! Jeremy: Hey baby. Is that my fourth career win you are wearing? Girl: No, but you’ve got two runner-up finishes this month! You like it? Jeremy: Oh yeah. |
| 9 |
7 |
 |
Terry Labonte |
He’s one of the cars to beat this weekend. Man, it still feels weird to be saying that. But it’s true. |
| 10 |
10 |
 |
Tony Stewart |
He might as well aimed at the Goodyear blimp with a 12-gauge, pumped, and fired. He probably would have missed it though. |
| 11 |
9 |
 |
Bobby Labonte |
He’s in real danger of losing the family lead -- Terry’s just 99 behind. |
| 12 |
13 |
 |
Bill Elliott |
The world’s oldest person turned 116 last week. Naturally, she’s a diehard Bill Elliott fan. |
| 13 |
11 |
 |
Rusty Wallace |
Let me get this straight. Rusty’s never won on a restrictor plate track. If Rusty wins at Talladega, does that mean Michael Waltrip gets to win at Martinsville? |
| 14 |
17 |
 |
Greg Biffle |
“I had to work on my teammate Matt for a little bit there, but I wanted to be careful because he's the point leader,” he said after Dover. Which means that if Sterling is in front of you, heck, let ‘er rip. |
| 15 |
12 |
 |
Kurt Busch |
His engine hated that paint scheme so bad that it blew itself up, hoping to get out of there. |
| 16 |
16 |
 |
Mark Martin |
He has a soft spot for the surface at Dover. It’s the same color as his hair. |
| 17 |
18 |
 |
Jeff Burton |
Jack Roush: Jeff, I’ve got some fantastic news. Burton: We got a sponsor? Jack Roush: No. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. |
| 18 |
20 |
 |
Ricky Rudd |
BHB (Before Harvick Bump) Average finish: 23.4. AHB (After Harvick Bump) 5.33. |
| 19 |
14 |
 |
Dale Jarrett |
When this team wins –- and it could happen any week -– there won’t be a dry eye on pit road. |
| 20 |
24 |
 |
Elliott Sadler |
Although it looks like he forgot to eat during his layoff, Todd Parrott obviously didn’t forget how to set up a car. This team is really clicking now. |
| 21 |
19 |
 |
Robby Gordon |
Five straight finishes of 20th or worse have kept him out of the top 10 in the standings. Which is better than a few years ago, when five straight finishes of 20th or worse would have kept him out of the top 40 in the standings. |
| 22 |
23 |
 |
Ward Burton |
Where ya going in 2004, Ward? And don’t say “hunting.” |
| 23 |
25 |
 |
Sterling Marlin |
He really had a hard time getting his car loosened up at Dover. Fortunately, Jeff Gordon wasn’t around this time to help him get it turning better. |
| 24 |
NR |
 |
Joe Nemechek |
To get the ride you want for 2004, all it takes is 20 minutes, three times a week. |
| 25 |
21 |
 |
Michael Waltrip |
Thank God. It’s finally here. |
