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Dale Earnhardt Jr.
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Help @nascarcasm, @steveluvender choose Twitter-suggested retirement gifts for Dale Jr.

We asked, and you delivered.

Not long ago, we tasked you, the good folks of NASCAR Twitter, to help us find a retirement gift for Dale Earnhardt Jr. — who, if you haven’t heard, is retiring from full-time driving at the end of the 2017 season.

You gave us a lot of tremendous suggestions — and for that, we thank you — but here are a few of our very favorites. These are the gifts that really captured the “regift in two months” spirit of the whole thing. And, of course, they fall within our very generous budget requirement of $88 or less.

Believe us, it was tough to narrow down to these few options.

 

NapSack nap hood, suggested by @sheila_crosbie

The NapSack really appealed to us for several reasons. First and foremost, it fits our most important requirement of “no one should own this.” Furthermore, it’s well within our $88 price range — in fact, we could gift Mr. Earnhardt eleven NapSacks.

Junior’s going to have a lot more time on his hands next season, but he still runs a race team and hangs out in the office, after all. What better way to nap on the go than with a NapSack?

Pros:

  • Allows Dale Jr. to nap at his convenience
  • Fits within our budget
  • No one should actually ever own this or use one

Cons:

  • A little too under-budget (we can’t look like cheapskates here)
  • He might think we’re implying he’s old and needs to nap all the time
  • We’re afraid he might try driving around while still wearing the NapSack

Nice work, Sheila.

 

Washington Redskins business jacket, suggested by @_F1yer_

Even though Dale Jr.’s not racing full-time next year, he’ll still be part of the action, announcing races for NBC. And, of course, if he’s going to be on camera, he’ll need to wear some snappy clothes that still speak to his personality.

That’s where this fine Washington Redskins business jacket comes in, thanks to a suggestion from @_F1yer_. We managed to find an identical blazer emblazoned with a beautiful repeating logo pattern of Dale Jr.’s beloved Washington Redskins — on eBay, of all places. That’s two Junior faves in one, if you’re keeping score. And, thankfully, it fits well within the $88 budget, priced at just under $30.

Even the eBay listing describes it as “ugly.”

Pros:

  • It incorporates Dale Jr.’s favorite football team
  • Allows Dale Jr. to express his interests through his clothing
  • Fits within our generous budget

Cons:

  • Maybe a little too useful
  • He might actually wear it on TV
  • It’s listed on eBay, so Dale might already own it

RainBowl motion-sensing toilet lights, suggested by @natalieslack88

With Dale Jr. spending a little more time at home after this season, it means he’s going to use the bathroom at his house a little more, too. Nothing’s worse than stumbling around in the middle of the night searching for the toilet bowl — both walking toward it and placing contents into it — so why not lend a hand by offering a comforting, motion-sensing neon glow inside the bowl?

At least, that’s the idea behind this $15 motion-sensing light that you place inside your toilet for those tough-to-see moments. Useful? Maybe. Out of all the gifts that were suggested, this is probably the item that would be peed on the most — and believe us, that was an important area of consideration.

This one even included a glowing endorsement:

Pros:

  • We kind of want one for ourselves
  • Definitely within budget — we can order five lights with our $88!
  • We don’t think anyone else gave Dale Jr. a retirement gift for his toilet

Cons:

  • Feels weird that Dale Jr. would pee on our gift
  • Again, maybe a little more useful than we were hoping
  • We don’t know how you’d change the batteries or if Dale or Amy would be willing to actually do so

It was a good thought, Natalie. Thank you.

 

Tabletop Shuffleboard, suggested by @retired2live

There’s nothing people enjoy more in retirement than shuffleboard — at least, that’s why there are so many shuffleboard games found in retirement homes, we think.

Full-size shuffleboard tables appear to slightly exceed our $88 budget we’ve saved for Junior. How can we give Dale Jr. the gift of shuffleboard without breaking the bank or sending him a link to use a $2.99 shuffleboard app for his iPhone? The answer is a tabletop shuffleboard game, of course.

This tabletop shuffleboard, suggested by @retired2live, comes in at exactly $88 — precisely in our budget. Plus, the suggestion comes from someone with “retired” in her Twitter handle, which validates this gift’s interest to a retired individual.

Pros:

  • Retired people love shuffleboard
  • It has three five-star reviews, making a total of 15 stars
  • Fits the $88 budget precisely

Cons:

  • It looks really nice (yes, that’s a con in our case)
  • Fear of insinuating Dale Jr. is old
  • Tax and shipping might put us slightly over budget and we’ve already emptied our swear jars

We like the way you’re thinking, Kristen.

 

Bug-A-Salt, suggested by @LeadfootBeav

What could be more annoying than a fly buzzing around your head while you’re trying to slice up some bananas to put on your mayonnaise sandwich? It’s a nuisance that can be prevented through our fifth finalist for Dale Jr.’s retirement gift, the Bug-A-Salt. The Bug-A-Salt, suggested by @LeadfootBeav, describes itself as a device that “shoots a shotgun spray of regular table salt and decimates flies on contact.”

We’ve already seen what happens when Dale Jr. fires a blast of salt on Twitter, so we’re naturally excited to see what happens when armed with a plastic, actual-salt-firing device.

Plus, one of the Bug-A-Salt’s colors is priced at $83.49 — comfortably within our budget, even once we include a container of salt as a refill.

Pros:

  • It looks, as Trevor Bayne might say, neat as heck
  • Workable within our $88 budget
  • He probably doesn’t already have one

Cons:

  • Somebody might get hurt, and we like Amy
  • He might prank someone at the JR Motorsports office with it
  • Will likely result in the Earnhardt residence completely covered in granular salt

Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion, Darrell.

 

Now, we need you again.

We’ve got five fine finalists, but we need your input on which retirement gift we can send to Dale Jr. Please tweet us — @nascarcasm and @steveluvender — which of these gifts we choose, and we’ll commission an impartial third party to scientifically count the votes and determine a winner.

Vote for a finalist:

Thank you, citizens of NASCAR Twitter, for your participation and enthusiasm. We hope we make the right choice to send Dale Jr. off into the sunset the way we’d like.